Making Love and Talking to God, what a treat!!

a cashier at Whole Foods
was reading a book while waiting
for someone
me
to arrive

I thought is charming
and asked about the book

Hermetic philosophy

Lay a ;piece of wisdom on me, please
I asked

He thumbs through,
excited and a little on the spot

Here:
He says that everything is God
mumble, mumble

and that's plenty for me

I stick out my hand
"Let's shake."

He does.

"Hi, God. My name is God,
pleased to meet you."

It takes a moment,
then he lights up,
"Yeah that's it."

We chat a bit more and then when I leave
I say,
"So long , God."
and
he says,
"See ya, God."

A nice way to start the day, gentle
reader, aka
God.

And you, in your love and sex before dinner, how about that as a way to see your partner before each time you speak. 

Or while you make love, make make out, make any of the other stuff, which I'm having a bit of trouble writing about. But it will come to me or not.

And meanwhile, you God, look upon your mate as God, and see what happens.

Deep listening, how to save your marriage

This is for when you really want to get to
the juice of the two of you

Give yourself about 40 minutes
get the timer

take 5 minute turns, and as the talking progresses
go up to 6 and 7 minutes

take your time
really

talker:
go slow

say the truth:
I don't know what to say
I want to impress you

this is what I heard you say
this is what I feel you feeling
this is what I guess you want
this is what I want

this is how I feel in my body when I talk
this is what this reminds me of

I wish you could see this about me

And any
any
anything that comes up


Listener:
don't talk

eye contact
follow your breathing and the talker's
feel your heart
feel into their feelings

listen for what they are trying to say

notice your defenses,
notice what you want to jump in with

shut up
inside

don't prepare what to say

don't work on remembering what they said

just listen,
look in the eyes
hear the tone
hear their heart
hear their body
hear their life

listen


when the timer goes off
rest a little
both in silence
before the other talks

talk about what you feel in the present
talk about what you felt in your body when the other was talking
talk about what you feel in your body when you say "hard" things to say

admit this a lot:
"This is hard to say, and...."
then say it

listener:
be honored when your partner says hard stuff to say
that means they trust you

hear why it's hard
hear their courage

listen

listen

listen
.....

good

positivity resonance.... do it or die

I set out on June 2 to write a blog a day
of great use in the world I am interesting in helping people create

the world of

Love and Sex Before Dinner

If you go to that blog, you'll find a daily offering,
but somehow I don't feel like it's a coherent whole

And that's good

Failure is the path to success
and Happiness is one of the few indicators
that we are on the right path

And so today,
I'm going to start over in a way,

and see what a post every day in July will be like,
with a strict alternation between love and sex
which really means,
talk and touch

except that it's not really going to be that,
because it's going to be about freedom and happiness
and so

the rotation is going to be
a
talk and touch day
a
talk day
and
a
touch day

I reference you to this much of the interview in Sun Magazine,
to which I'd highly highly recommend that you all subscribe:

INTERVIEW WITH BARBARA FREDERICKSON
ON LOVE AS DAILY SMALL AND REAL DOSES OF
POSITIVE CONNECTION

In that interview this is revealed from Frederickson's research:

“a lack of positivity resonance is, in fact, more damaging to your health than smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol excessively, or being obese.”

this is good news

IF we have positivity resonance in our lives

Which means:

small moments of pleasurable connection with another person,
in person

face to face

( not necessarily bodily pleasure, but more like a happy wish to smile and enjoyment of another's company)

And touch helps this.

Not sexual touch today,
just touch touch

And today's game is this:


in the framework of talking 3 minutes at a time,
with a timer

and not interrupting when the other is talking

and being present to your breathing and
to the reality
that
you are going to die
and
this other person is going to die
pay attention to yourself and them
and
your breathing and their breathing

and
then you talk for 3 minutes

each person has 3 turns

18 minutes

a couple that can do this can
thrive

a couple that doesn't
ah,
it won't be as wonderful
and
may well be a mess


and touch?

hold hands
while doing this

that's all

and....

do this every day
for ten days
comment,
or email
how this went

email to the right


cheers,
chrsi

touch or starve

Can you have a good marriage
and not
like touching your partner?'

This seems like
code blue
to me.

This is a place where
you could and should do daily
work
to get
the warmth
and miracle that comes
from touch

back
into your life
and nervous system

without it....


you are going to starve

feet

our feet are as far from our heads as we can get

many a person, perhaps even you, has realized that
being in our heads
think think think

is a way that often avoids life, love and connection

( yeah, yeah, there are problems
to be solved

good
when they are there to be solved
think

and then....

what about the rest of the time)

so
here's a game for today


put your attention as full
time
as possible

on sensing both feet

while you read this
while you do the next thing
while you talk
while you think

and especially
when you are interacting with your partner

in your half hour of love and sex before dinner

in the talking
in the ten minute naked makeout
in sex that is two way
in sex that is one way

in all of these
attempt

with joy and humor
and
intent

to have attention
on three places:

your feet
your heart
your breathing

if sex is involved,
then my all means enjoy your genitals
and mouths
and tongues

oh, yeah:

and look into each other's eyes
in all the activities
except the one way sex


ha, what a nice
assignment

but
don't forget

dive in
feet first

Waking up, F,,, ing, Happiness, Positivity Resonance, part one

Sex is good

Misused
almost always

and sex
is
good


it's good for touch
it's goof for giving and getting at the same time

it's good for shutting down the mind,
usually


it's good for realizing
that we aren't alone,
usually

it's good for
giving

for giving

forgiving

and it's a mess


it creates a pleasure that is rare
because almost all the rest of life
is lived
out of
the present

out of
love
with the moment

out of sensing
and
touching
and
paying attention
and
connecting


so,
that's the wake the f..... up

how can we
sense full time

touch a lot with all the boundary stuff
and still:

everyone is dying for hugs and even hand holding

paying attention:

positive attention

how many people
can we be around

and like
and let them know

verbally
and
non verbally

that we like them

( I know this sad, sad community,
supposedly into improving love,
that is obsessed with fear
and with giving "adjustments" to each
other

alas,

they give themselves so much extra work,

even though they have a non drug drug
to alleviate the pain
they are constantly encouraging)


no,
f..... to wake up

like this:

have good sex

then have a great talk

about the simple joys of life

what you like

in that moment

not what you liked in the sex

that is over

what you like
now


this now

....

really
this one

if you are in a room with another person,
go tell them something you like
about them
and that you like about being alive

and that you like about yourself


.....
see July, http://sunmagazine.org,
it's not online yet, but subscribe,
you won't regret it,
and the interview this month is amazing.
on "positivity resonance"

which is the best food for health and happiness

it's love
in little chunks

as often as possible,

you'll see,
read it, this interview,
then read it again,

i'll be blogging about it for a couple of weeks


and,
get the print edition , too

no ads
beautiful black and white photos

really

go for it

now

Two people, going present, then asking.....

Two people sit together

they agree to be present for the whole twenty minutes they
are going to talk

this isn't a timer discussion,
and
there is a commitment to wait, a nice long time
while listening to the other,
in case they have a little more to say

And you
are going to
sit

and be present

and wait for a question

a question that is important,

or a question that is fueled with curiosity

or a question
that is waiting in the room for one of you to discover
and
admit

admit to the room
admit to yourselves that it wants to be asked
"wants" to be asked

and as you wait,
be present
to yourself
in gravity
and
yourself in air,
breathing

be present to the other person
especially their eyes and their smile,
or not yet smile

( sooner or later, if you are telling the truth
and asking the truth
and
listening

a smile will come)

pay attention to the heart that is beating
inside your chest

and then ask your important question

always this way:

both of you are going to answer it.


So you don't ask:

"Do you love me?"

You ask, "How is your love for me going? What's easy about it, and what's hard?"

And then you both have to answer.

Slowly.

Searching.

Fumbling.

Admitting the other into your inner world

Admitting you don't know it all



And, as set up above:

Wait a long time, for them to find one or two or three more
aspects they might want to avoid in a certain way

Wait a long time in the silence when they are really done.

don't start till you've gotten quiet and heard what they had to say.

Then give your answer.


And,
if you want,
after that, what you can do, is take turns saying,
"What I got about you from what I heard you say, was..."

Or, you could put that before the second person answers the question.

It's not important.

Sharing what's deep is.

and

Whoever came up with the first question, the other person comes up with the next one.

Conditional Love, and Laughing at Ourselves

We can be serious about this
or
have a sense of humor

might as well laugh

at ourselves


admit it:

we do this:


I love you , soo, soo, much,
and
I'll love you even more if you........

that's a condition

that's a buy and sell deal

oh, well

we all do it

and the other side


I love you, but you are making it hard

and if you keep doing ......
I'm going to love you less,
or
take away my love
or
dislike you
or
hate you


notice what this really is:  BLACKMAIL

behave right,
and don't do ........

and then I won't pull out the possibilities of
loving less
taking away love
disliking
hating


go against my commandments, wishes, fears, demands,
call it what you will

but if you do ......

then wham
I'm going to do one of the four:
loving less
taking away love
disliking
hating

......
It's obvious,
but more part of the humor/ seriousness

that these reactions aren't exactly
calculated,
usually

they "just happen"

and the function is still the same:
blackmail

even worse, really,
because if "You can't help it,"
then your partner knows the hammer HAS
to fall if they misbehave

.....

this might appear to be a problem

and it is

and the work of Byron Katie is one
sterling way out of it

and

just ("just") waking up to it
and realizing our conditions,
can make a huge difference in beginning to set us free



good

Love the yuk, .....really?

Love is
either unconditional

or

it
isn't love

..
beginning practice:
( that will take you all your life)

find three things you "don't like"
in your partner
or good friend

or the best you can do
for a good friend

and then

figure out how
to love
them

for that,
for the awful thing,

not loving the "good" side,
but the shit side

love
yuk,

but,
you know,
unconditional means....

not accept them

not let them slide

not put up with them


but

love them

...
more tomorrow

Happiness

This is going to be another teaser blog

And the tease is a big one

And without it,

We are sunk in life


Here's the tease:


Sometimes we don't get what we want in life

Things don't go our way

Things go to shit

People seem annoying, or downright antagonistic


and here's the game

the big
game


How to like, enjoy and even LOVE it when that happens?


And I'm not going to give all the answer,

but only a few hints:


When we aren't mindful,
we aren't free

When other people aren't mindful,
they aren't free

Unfree people
do what their programming tells them to do


Many , many people
( maybe even wonderful you and I)

have two or more levels of programming

One,
the get along "pretty good/ pretty well"
when there is no stress

Two:
go into ?????
when their is stress


remember the awful/ awesome truth:

we are either mindful

or mindless

and

therefore,
( the logic is airtight,
and the emotional effects
are often ruinous for whole lives)

when we go to mindless under stress,

what is the program we fall back on?



ah,
that's a big hint
chew it slowly

Complaining as "love making"

Complaining as "love making"

That's a trick title

and not really
it's not really a trick,
because without alchemy,
life is prison,
is hell:

the old way of complaining 
is hell
is prison
and never turns into Love making, except make up sex,
which isn't love,
it's froth

but,here,
let's discover some magic

( why else be in a relationship?)

we just need to turn the world on its head

and

that's what we always need to do

if we are to be 

awake

and 

happy

and

effective

and what other kind of life would you want to lead?

so:

you got a complaint

we have this ongoing series:

Love and Sex before dinner
 which has
10 minutes of some sort of touch connection
and 18 minutes of back and forth communication,
3  non interrupted minutes per turn, 3 turns each

so,
you have a complaint,
and it's your turn to talk....

ta da

you have three minutes to tell it to your sweetheart

here's some pointers:

be present and remember:

this is the person you love

remember:

what you think they are doing wrong,

you are too

so

try to say how you do it, too

when you say how they do it
( you don't listen, I don't listen; you get angry, I get angry at your getting angry; you take me for granted, I take you for granted..... search, it doesn't have to be an equal amount)

remember , three:

beneath all complaints is a desire

which means,
beneath all complaints could be a request

suggestion
(just in case you want to "make" love)
make the request

so:

I feel so punk when you are too busy for me

Ah, I love you

Ah, there are times when I get too busy for you

Ah, I'd like to make sure we spend more time together..
Can we talk later about some extra times we can spend together?

Now....

this half hour before dinner, Love and Sex before dinner

is

the MINIMUM

to have sweetness

how can you get more out of it?

do it more

but only for the love and fun

of it

and the joy of waking up as a partnership in enlightenment

love "making"

I like the term love making

love is worth
making

making better

making more conscious

making more communicative


what if every communication
were a
chance
to
"make"

love more real

what if the various thrashings around
under the sheets
were
slowed
slowed
slowed

way down

and the big huff and puff to climax
were sidestepped

and in
the slow
slow
slow

the making
of the WE
that baby of US

were what was important?

wouldn't that be a worthwhile way
to waste time
in the flesh

or in
the talk

or in
the silence
of non talk
not touch

but together

making....

what?

ah, discovery


good

Awake in talk, in touch, in makeout, in ...., all of you

slow down
connect deeply
wake up
discover love

awake you don't have to rush

you talk
and then your partner talks

the goal
be present while you talk
be present while you listen

then
ten minutes of sex

ten minutes in which
not to hurry
not to have any climax

just to get touching
and the juices flowing

make out:
naked

lots of touch

cock sucking,
slow,
no effort to climax

guy: relax,
let it be overwhelming
don't help
relax

woman:
go slow
sense it all

don't try to get any werhe


clitoris stroking

sit so you can see easily
lubricate
go slowly
stay on the clitoris

don't try to get her off

woman:
don't mov
don't help

just feel
just sense

both of you:
stay in the moment

ten minutes of touch

twenty minutes of talk

walk up

love without waking will always turn
to a mess

( messes aren't bad,
but this half hour is for waking up,
not making more of messes

plenty of them in life)

slow
slower
slowly

sense your body
sense your relationship to gravity
follow your body

wake up
good

Forgiveness

Forgiveness, before after and during dinner eat this food and you will have eternal life

I'm having a delightful interaction with an occasionally cranky person
whom I adore

who is in the throes of
"Can I forgive?"

in that old awful way,
as if forgiveness is wearing a hair shirt,
or swallowing toxic waste
or at the very least
sitting through a bad movie for hours and hours

ah,
and this sweet person was once a heavy duty Christian
and these poor folks
for reasons that are both sad and delightful
have often the hardest time forgiving

( and I did hear this in a church, by a straight ahead
boring believer:
"Not forgiving is like swallowing rat poison
and
hoping the other person will die."

Which is s beginning of the higher level of
forgiving,

but not the end)

And you,
gentle reader,
are
A. going to have to forgive me
for jumping around and packing
so many angles and concepts into a short
poem/ ramble / essay

B. Wake up
and really feel and think your way through
this,
since it's is perhaps the number one source
of human suffering,
this holding on to our woundedness

,,,,,,, Okay
forgiveness

let's just make this the starter ramble and posit three levels



One:
the forgiveness of the righteous,
the believers
the goody goodies

this is on the
holding one's nose
and saying
"Well, you are stinky,
but I will hold my nose,
and so-called forgive you for being
so stinky
because I am so much better than you
and it's so good for my image of
being so much better than you
to say the words,
'I forgive you,'
all the while letting you know
that I am vastly superior to you,
you bad, bad stinky inferior sinner whom I so graciously,
forgive,
so I can look good to myself, and those around me, and get
points in pretend heaven."


Two:
The sliding it off, half ass "acceptance."

Me here Chris Elms could go on some fun
rants about all this
"It's all good,"
Buddhist-ish
"acceptance"

which is better than the stinky cheese clothes pin nose
model,

but is
like
a disconnected feeling,
an

I'm indifferent,

I'm separate

I'm not going to let it get to me.


This has some of the very very true
selfish enlightenment of the above rat poison model

which knows,
sometimes with blinding clarity,
that

when you fight what is already over,
hell,
once you think it through,
you know you're always going to lose

so chill
accept

let it go,  man,
it's all good

(bleeek---- my comment)

and three:
third level forgiveness,

not just giving the other person a break,
though that's a superb start,
but giving them a delighted break
a congratulatory break

really?

delight?

really

this is crazy, this level,
and strange,
because we are so used to being slaves
that freedom feels creepy weird

but this is level three:

thanks and thankfulness
and gratitude for whatever "wrong"
was bestowed on you
by another segment of God

ah, God,
well, hell,
heaven

let's play with God as a burst apart being
and we are all pieces of Her, trying to get
back together,
and whatever "sin"
someone gifted you with,
was a piece of God, trying,
in however an awful, ignorant, or half assed way,
to reconnect with God
as you

So,
it's like this:
in this forgiveness,
you would have paid the bad, bad person
to do whatever they did

why?

you figure it out,
you wouldn't believe me if I told you

and you shouldn't believe me

it's your experience that is
A. your life
B. your nourishment for enlightenment


stay in this experience
and feel your heart's way through this
new world:
forgiveness as delight and you would have paid the
other person to
do
their bad bad "sin"

really,
this is some heavy lifting for the heart

and without it,
sadly,
life is misery

cheers,
chris

....
you do want to be enlightened, don't you?

Talking about Talk

We are kinda crazy
us humans

we love to talk
we love to connect

and then
when it doesn't happen

we stop talking to the one
we want to talk to
because we can't talk
as well
or as easy
or as magically
or as honestly
or as being present

as we wish

and hey

you've got this game as part of

Love and Sex Before Dinner

the game:
talk for 18 minutes

each with 3 turns of 3 minutes

each practicing listening
from now
from no words/ replies in the head
from being present to our bodies

this is good stuff

....
two days ago, I suggested using this golden
opportunity
of listening

to
talk about sex

today I suggest
using this golden
opportunity
of listening

to talk about talk


what are you having a hard time saying?

when are you present and not present?

what are your requests for what you'd like to hear more about?

what are your requests for how your talking go

not only now,
in this magical zone

but all day?

and more,

you can even do that fun
game
of talking
in the
moment

about what your
experience

RIGHT NOW

is of talking

RIGHT NOW


it's pretty cool


it's enlightenment in action, actually

which is what relationships could ( ? should)
be about


cheers
chris

touch without climax, come together, not to come, but to..... make love

The ten minutes sex before dinner
as much as possible
should never end in climax

that's why the ten minute
naked make out
is so valuable

both are giving
both are getting

it's not genitally predominant

it's oral

it's tactile

go do it

Talk, talk about sex, listen, ask questions, learn

okay
admit it

you don't talk about sex

you wish about it
you might complaint about it
or whine about it

and so
what?

no one's perfect
( remember the end of Some Like it Hot)


and
let's have this be one of the talk games:

as you remember
perhaps,

as part of love and sex before dinner
you are spending a grueling 18 minutes a day
ACTUALLY TALKING TO &
LISTENING TO
YOUR PARTNER

you talk 3 minutes, they listen,
in the present,
no interrupting

they talk for 3 minutes,
you listen
in the present,
no interrupting,
and as
much as possible, no words in your head (aka "thinking") about
how you are going to respond

back and forth,
3 whole turns each
18 minutes

it seems so piddling

and most partners talk less than this
in a week
except plans,
day recitals,
grumbles about work,
blah blah

so
here's today:

in your talk:

tell what you like about your sex
with your partner

and
talk about what more, or different
that you'd like

and respond
(without thinking about it while
they are talking)
to whatever they say to you

and even,
curiosity being a component of love
and the now,
ask some questions in
your turn

enjoy

chris

touch, dance, slow, kiss

Alternating touch and talk,
today is touch

and
let's dance

let's keep this in the
sex before dinner repertoire,

which is really,
sweet and juicy touch before dinner


and today,
or any day

as part of your ten minutes of touch
yum
before dinner

dance
no music,
keep the clothes on,
so you'll get in the habit of dancing a lot

and
dance,
slow,
and hum to each other
and
kiss
a lot

that's it:

slow,
left right left right

nothing fancy

close

hum

kiss

enjoy

good

Love, talk, mind reading..... .listen to what the inner other is saying..

Once upon a time
we loved
loved loved
to discover
what the other person was like

how they were like us
how they were different

and then.


blah blah

you know the story:
we get ourselves in a box
and we put other people in a box
and then
oh, shit

we have two boxes talking
to each other

so,
let's have some fun in tonight's talking game


watch this

the first person that talks,
just go for two minutes

and the other listens, present and no interruption

and here's the catch.


the talker, tells what's going on in them
at the deepest possible level

but they tell it in gibberish


Then the listener
takes their turn guessing what the other person had to say

and then they tell whatever they want to say,
in gibberish


Then:'
the first person talks again,
in gibberish,

they can talk about how well the other guessed
or
what the other person missed,
and this is all told in gibberish

and back to the second:

and here we go,
the second
shares their responses
to what the guess was,
or what their reaction was,
or what more they want to say:


and it's all in gibberish


and go back and forth
and then it's over

and then have a ten minute
naked make out

and when are you going to figure out:

if you "got it right?"

I don't know.

I'm inventing this as I go

so,
you invent this

and there's the rest of the day:

just talk gibberish,
guess,
and give feedback

but in this Love section of the
Love and Sex before dinner,
no verbal shareback of the accuracy or not
of the guessing intuition about your gibberish

is this fun?

you tell me,

cheers
chris

touch, slow, turns, requests, listening

Anything in life can be improved
by
being present

many a disaster can be forestalled or
avoided
by being present

many/ all messes can be cleared up
by slowing down
and
becoming present

today,
we're back to the touching before dinner

ten minutes of making out
or
some
sort of sex

we'll let the sex be up in the air
for awhile

while you practice slowing down
and taking turns

taking turns,
almost like the communication

well,
exactly like the communication
but without any words

you might want to spend more than ten minutes with this

get your trusty timer

one of you lie down
and close your eyes

the other is to touch you
slowly
not in the genitals,
and yes
anywhere else
and everywhere else in your body

for the first day,
don't make any requests if you are the receiver while you are receiving

play like this:

first turn:

one touches,
the other feels

the timer goes off

the other one touches,
the other feels

second turn:

no words of wishing anything different in the first round,
but before each touching turn,
the receiver is to ask:

here is how I'd like to be touched ( firm, soft, tight, gentle, fast, slow, big movements, little movements) and here is where I'd like it to be concentrated

the toucher can honor that, or not

it seems kind of silly not to,
but really, a request has to be really open
if it's truly a request

after,
just a thank you,
no evaluation

and then swap around


third turn:
make a request before you receive, and for sure make in a different request,
different place
different modes of speed, pressure, length

And then
as many turns as you want,
keep going back and forth,

and each time ask for a new place
and a new set of operating procedures

....
we get into such ruts
in sex
and
in life

and we ask so rarely for what we want

and we are so worried that if we finally get on a good grove,
going anywhere else will blow the whole scene apart

touch is talking
receiving touch is listening

have the final turn,
if you wish,
no requests,
but just let the toucher be trying to tell the receiver
something

let the communication be quite
and skin level

see what happens
feel what happens

don't talk for awhile after this,
so if this is to be combined with a talking session before dinner,
do the talking session first
good

How can I love you better, 3?

How can I love you better?

Ask.

How can I love you better?

Okay: is this what you mean?

If not, could you tell me again, please?

Can we be specific: what do you want me to do differently?

What are the actions you'll like me to take in reality?

Can I tell you why a few of those would be very hard for me?

Can we explore ways I can do everything you want and still take care of what's hard for me?

What do you really want?

What is the deeper level of what you really want?

What can we do right now to begin to shift things?

What can we do later tonight to shift things?

What are you feeling and sensing in the present?

What am I feeling and sensing in the present?

What can I do right now, to help you shift whatever you'd like to shift?

What else do you want to tell me?

ten minute make out as chance for the power of Slow, Connect & Discover

Slow, Connect, Discover

I help people to
SLOW down
and
CONNECT deeply to themselves
so that they can

DISCOVER

Ease, grace, youthfulness, delight and pleasure

in
MOVEMENT and
LIFE


And you gentle reader
in your ten minute make out

this is your job

SLOW down the kissing
and the touching
and even the breathing

perhaps say what you are feeling as sensation
perhaps go even slower than you think is slow

and
pay attention to how the
CONNECTING
is happening

moment by moment

and in each moment see what you can
DISCOVER

about a new direction, pressure, stopping, starting, shifting

that would make
your make out

more
pleasurable, graceful, delightful, youthful

you know

just plain old

divine

cheers,
chris

How Can I love you more, 2

How can I love you more? Part 2
( these are, the improve love and sex posts, being published in
http://Loveandsexbeforedinner.blogspot.com)

One: take the time.

that's what the twenty minutes before dinner is about
and that's not to top limit. you can talk for hours if you want

Two:
be present

we get lost in our stories of
how another person should have been

in the present
we can at least report:
this is my sensation
this is my emotion
and
then go into the song and dance if we have to

Three:
Listen

that's what the timer game of you talk for three minutes
while your partner is non interrupting and preent
and they talk for three and you return the favot

and
here's a new twist:
Four:
Ask

Take 3 or 4 minute turns,
ask a question,
listen to the answer
do not comment on or respond to the answer
just
ask another question

ask questions and listen to answers until the timer runs out the time

Ask deeper and deeper questions:

How are you feeling?

Upset.

Would you please tell me about it?

I don't feel that we are working very well as a couple.

Could you tell me a couple of ways that seems true to you?

......

What would you like to see changed?

How are you feeling as you say this?

What would you like me to do differently?

How do you think you could change?

And so on...


Asking good questions takes awhile.

Love takes awhile.

We think ( imagine) that with the right chemistry and going out to dinner enough and drinking enough wine everything is going to be fine

If your robot matches theirs, it might

otherwise.
if you want love
you gots to put in your time

and asking questions
and listening
in the present

to the answers

and then asking a caring and curious next question

this is how we can "make" love

with our clothes on


good

How can I love you more?

Touch and Talk

Talk and Touch

that's the program
and it seems so simple
and
it's
not

so let's say in the talk you want
to help things
be better

the vibe, the feeling, the overtone of your relationship hasn't been so great lately
and you want it to change

so what to do

talk
talk with the timer

talk about what you want

talk about what you are afraid to say

talk about your guess as to what's going on in the other person

this is a lot

this is gold

this is why relationships

if taken as paths to awakening
are so
very
wonder
ful
and valuable



what you want vs. your complaint

what you are afraid to talk about, vs what's wrong with them

guessing what's going on in them, and make sure it's not an insulting guess

what are the fears and worries and prior woundings that are going on in them?

discover what you can
enjoy

Awakened relationship, #7 in Love and Sex Before Dinner

Two people get together

they are lonely
or
they are open
or
they are lucky

and, anyway,
they decide to open up to the charm
of a new being

someone who is different than them

if they are unlucky
they get off to a bang sexually
( and I won't go into that until ten or twenty
chapters down the line)

but let's say this:
touch is crucial

they need to hold hands
they
need to kiss

and the important thing is
....

if they are lucky,
they wake up to the miracle

the miracle

the miracle

I am alive
in this moment

and they share that with the other
person

and the other person:
yes, I am alive in this moment

he: I am alive in this moment
I am excited and awake
to being here with you

she: I am alive in this moment
I can feel my life
and can feel us sharing this
moment

and so on

....
time passes
they come together

they have good days,
whoopie

they have stressful days,
and here's the rub

in the stress they can
be either mindful,
which is to say:
aware of the miracle

I am alive
and I am feeling stress
and I want to lash out
but what I am really feeling is..
sad about ..
afraid about...
worried about...
incompetent about...

mindful
and we can be free to explore what's bothering us

mindless
we have to default
to whatever our programing is

which is usually what
Ma
and
Pa
did when they were under stress

which usually looked like
blame
or avoidance
or
manipulation
or
whatever

who cares,
that's why so many therapists stay so busy

bad Ma and Pa training

and
you can therapize forever
and
have all the insight in the world

and if you aren't present
to yourself
and your partner
when the stress comes on

you are going to be mindless

which means
Ma
and Pa
stuff

and it's not any more complicated than that

and it's the whole world
of difference

freedom in mindfulness

slavery to conditioned/ robot responses
in mindlessness

this sounds kind or sermonesque

sorry,
that's my father's righteous robot

and
hey,
it can be a game,

the let me catch my robot and
admit it game

and then,
fingers touching the keyboard,
birds singing and cooing out the window
breath in and out

and I'm back
home
to now

how about
YOU?

cheers
Chris

what if waking up were the game

we get lost,
don't we,
often / usually
in relationship?

at first it's mutual play

and then,
since we never learned to fill ourselves with
inner attention

we demand/ crave/ get addicted
to attention from this wonderful person
we start out loving

and then end up trying  to maneuver this wonderful other person to
"meet our needs"

ahhh.
if you ever think that one,
"getting my needs met"
love is long gone

how
to
get
it
 back?

wake up

pay attention
to you

to the other

simple

( well,
simple to say,
and the work of enlightenment to do.


however the reward is high...
real love)

talk as awakening practice

talk
real talk
intimate,
slow,
listening
taking turns,
being present
trying to be present
this kind of talk,
daily,
daily
every day, get it,

this talk,
 has this amazing possibility:

you can be a new you
this day,
each day as you speak and
attempt to stay present with your partner

and it has this amazing possibility, too

your partner can be a new her or him
this day,
each day,
as they speak and listen and
attempt to stay present

even if you two are just yaking about your day
if present,
you can notice,
and then say:

oh, as I'm talking about my boss, I realize
that I'm saying the same phrases I always say
and that I'm tightening my upper stomach and lower chest

and,
( pause to go in..
with 3 minutes to talk,
you don't have to rush it out
for fear/ realization that the other person
is going to jump in and squelch the silence)

A pause to go in...

ah, I'm definitely feeling defensive and angry at my boss

and now I look out
into the world in the present
and see you looking at me
and see you breathing
and then I remember my breathing
and I remember how much I love you
and now this is a whole different talking
than
just complaining about work
the way that
the robot in me

wants to do

...

ta da

so we can be new

we always can

and what if this were part of the love game
the relationship contract?

each day
before dinner

talk that tries to be present
touch that tries to be present

doesn't that sound like a nice present
to ourselves?

to you and your sweetie?

you and your sweetie,
with whom you are usually to busy to
connect
even though

and we all know this

connecting in
the present
and
in
love ( which may well be the same thing)

is what
life
is
all
about?



cheers,
chris

Touch before Talk, one alternative: The Ten Minute Make Out

As we meander through these essays, these daily chapters unfolding,
we will explore this one:

truth as the best foreplay

and sometimes
touch is the way to access that truth

and sometimes touch is the only
way
we can really remember how remarkable
connection is

one human
to another

and so today's suggestion is
to have 

a ten minute naked make out first

some days talk before the sex
and some days have the sex before the talk

always have both

and this is the touch/ sex practice I recommend most

the ten minute
naked make out

it's two way

it gives a lot of your body a chance
to connect with
feel
move with
caress
be caressed by

the other body

let's play it this way:

mindfulness
is the undercurrent

how much awareness can you have
as you kiss
and touch
and caress
and get caress
and let the legs play

and here's the catch:

set a timer

when it's over,
stop
thank each other

get out of the bed

get dressed

go talk

talk sitting up
talk in your clothes
talk in another room

maybe hold hands while you talk

touch is good

there are many subtleties to this practice
but for now

naked
timer
stay present

stop when the ten minutes is up

 you can do it again at the end of the day
with no timer and the falling into more sex that
we are so used to,
and
and
and

this is sex before dinner

this is a nourishment
that you are going to give yourselves every day

don't make it such a big deal
that you don't want to
keep it going
keep it up
keep it kissing along

day after
day
after
day


....
you begin to get the idea.

this might be very good for your relationship,
right?


cheers Chris

Ambivalence

Here's the deal:

You fall in love
and someone is heaven

why?
because you listen
because you are fascinated
because they are new, which means you are in the...

yes,
the
now

and guess what?  ( you know this)
in
the now
it's pretty much all love

and then
step two:
the mind/ head/ judgment/ fear/ control
comes along
and.....

they kind of suck
or
they way suck

or they are a betrayal of your fantasy
of (finally)
finding the perfect mate

oh, shit....

and then what?
well.

in the world of love
and mindfulness..

you could get vulnerable
and talk about your limitations

and talking about your limitations
would be admitting
and examining
YOUR OWN JUDGMENTS ( gasp)
as your limitation

the work of Byron Katie is
fine
/
wonderful here,
and don't take my word for it
get experience,
 go to her website
or immediately after reading this
take three judgments about any one
of those millions of less than perfect beings,
judge that person,
and
write that judgment down
and do the work

and
back to ambivalence

ambivalence admitted
can cut through the third stage
of relationship

the POWER STRUGGLE stage

To recap the stages ( first three of twelve):

one: fascination and being in the now

two: disillusionment and being in the judgments

three: power struggle

power struggle often takes the form
of come closer vs
go away

let's do it
let's end it

the usual whine: you suck, and if you'd just change 
the way I want you to
then it would all be wonderful again

or the good old fashioned:
let me tell you what's wrong with you

ah, gad.
so normal,
almost inevitable,
and
this is all bullshit

unless talked about from
mindfulness

i.e.
not believing your thoughts

and
that's enough for today

you either get it
how amazing and free life would be
if you didn't believe your thoughts

or
you don't

so be it

don't believe me , though,
don't believe my thoughts

try it out:
see what the difference is

sit in one chair and believe one of your judgments
sit in another chair and don't believe it

that's all:

get experience

that's the juice that can lift us from being tortured by ambivalence
to
using it as fuel
to deepen our spiritual and
emotional
and
relationship

lives

love &

awakening

good

How to Talk in your daily back and forth, or one way anyway

Some of us know
and honor

many of us know
and forget...

FRIENDSHIP TAKES TIME

it's like a garden
it has to be tended

maybe once a week can keep a friendship going
anything less is.....

a reassurance
a high grade acquaintance
a mutual memory nudge

who knows

and in a relationship
if you live together
each day
is a time to talk

each day

and the game we are setting up
is mutual tak
equal time time
talk that is about what love requires:

attention
listening

and even, a freedom an opening
to exploring saying
what we aren't sure we
are able to say

or aren't sure
we even had to say

love is exploring

in touch

and in
talk

and this blog needs to be short
and that's fine

it has some pointers to help you
if you want
in the game of talking for three minutes

here's my suggestion:
for the first couple of weeks,
don't talk about "problems"

talk about:
one:
your ideas
two:
what you are aware of in the present
( sensations,
my thigh on the chair, my fingers on the keyboard, my shirt against my neck, my breathing in and out.


impressions:
I see the screen and the words appearing
I see the wall behind the computer
I see out the window, peripherally to my right
I hear the air conditioner
I hear the cars going by

being present
seems kinda boring

don't sweat it
it's such a nice vacation from being smart
and worrying
and the whole effort of not being present

and three:
what you like in life
what you enjoy

With a partner two and three can double up:
I see your eyes and really enjoy them

I see your breathing and feel my breathing and remember how much I like you

ps,
and a BIG ps:
don't use the three minutes to rag on, complain about, or otherwise trash the other

what you like right

and no back handed compliments:

I really like those rare rare moments when you aren't a jerk
NO.

I enjoy your smile

and
then
all the other things you like:

share your presence
share your gratitude

and if there's thoughts and incidents you want to talk
about,
go for it

but these three are the basis:

what you are pondering as meaningful in your life right now
what you are aware of in the present
what you like about being alive

and you each have 3 3 minute turns in this world of being honest
and deep
with your partner

who,
it seems to me,
is likely to become a better and
better
and
better

friend

good

"How was your Day?"

Love and Sex Before Dinner.
Before.

Let's say you are going to budget 30 minutes, BEFORE DINNER, before chores, before bugging the kids about homework, before turning on the TV, the internet, the smart or dumb phone, yes,
praise the Lord
praise the Life, this one life you have,
praise your partner, no matter how good or bad things are going,
praise this chance
to play

to play
at two of the most important aspects of being human.

one: being present
two: love

Love and sex, sex and love, touch and talk.
Both in the now.

Love. Nourishing love before you nourish your bodies.

Finding love
Cultivating love
Resurrecting love
Shoring up love
Rediscovering love
Falling in love
Re-falling in love

Again

You noticed, perhaps, quite a few re-  actions. REdiscovery, REsurrecting, RE-falling.

We could add more
REsearching your love
REviewing love
RE-exploring your love
RE-NEWING your love

RE-NEWING

RE-NEWING

I seem to have said that three times. Did you notice?

And, I'll say this, over and over, to remind myself as much as you... the new happens only in the now.

The new happens, only, in the now.

So, we could say,
RE-NOWING love'
RE-NOWING your love.

Okay,
but to dinner and before dinner.

And this blog, and this whole process, which I hope to be a worldwide movement in the next ten years, was tempted to be called,
SEX BEFORE DINNER

Because at the real "end of the day", after TV or calls, or too much to do, or food, or too much food, or all the wonders and hassles of kids, or too much dozing off to sleep reading, or getting engrossed reading,
as THAT end of the day,
the real end of the day, not just the cliché
we are often/ usually too "tired" for sex.

Maybe a good night peck.
Maybe not.

Alas
Alas
Alas.

A waste of the conjugal bed, and the idea of marriage, and the joys of the flesh.

And much more.

Touch can bring us into the now.

And, this blog, the movement is NOT just Sex Before Dinner.
There are enough people who mistake sex for intimacy, and use it to wash all their loneliness under the rug.

So the blog, the website ( coming soon), the movement is about this:

Love and Sex Before Dinner.

And so, "How was your Day?" becomes not just a throwaway question, as in, you complain and little and I won't listen, because really, I want to complain and have you listen.

"How was your Day?" becomes a chance to practice Love Before Dinner.

A simple version of love.
And missed, often missed, rarely taken advantage of.

Here, it's an 18 minute thing.
And then 10 minutes of making out.

That's half an hour before dinner.
Kids, worries, hurries, got somewhere to go?
We'll deal with that , or you deal with that, but that's the buy in price.

If you want change, you have to change something.

This half hour will change at least three ( more likely 5 or more) things.

One: You will be committing to present centered time together.
Two: You will be taking equal turns listening.
Three: There will be kissing involved after the Love.

And what has Love got to do with it?

Everything in this movement I'm wishing and working for.
Sex without love,
as is love without sex,
nah,
that life isn't worth living.

So, here's the nuts and bolts,
and we'll go over this again and again.

18 minutes.
a timer ( iPhone has one)
sit across from each other
One person asks, "How was your day?"
The other answers for three minutes by the timer.
The listener listens.
Does not interrupt.
Doesn't grimace or otherwise nonverbally comment.
Stays present to breathing.
As much as possible let's go quickly of "thoughts" he or she wants to say in return.
Follows their breathing.

Listens.

The timer rings.
Reverse. "How was your day?"
Three minutes the other way.

Later we'll go over the present centered suggestions for the talker.

For now, love and listening are close enough, so this will get the REnewal headed quickly and clearly.

That's six minutes.
Now, without any "how was your day?" to lead it off, each take two more turns talking while your partner listens deeply and in the present.

Look each other in the eye.
Smile if you feel it.
Notice your breathing and their breathing.

There's more.
A lot more.
Talking in the present is one of life's most challenging and love's most rewarding activities.

And then, that's about twenty minutes.
Go in the bedroom.
Put the kid in front of a video.
If it's a baby, bring it into the bed.
If they are older kids, just tell them, we are going to go make out for ten minutes.

Go in the bedroom.

Make out.

....
That's your start.
It isn't everything.

And it'll make a big difference.

Oh,yeah.
Every day.
Not just hit and miss..