This is for when you really want to get to
the juice of the two of you
Give yourself about 40 minutes
get the timer
take 5 minute turns, and as the talking progresses
go up to 6 and 7 minutes
take your time
really
talker:
go slow
say the truth:
I don't know what to say
I want to impress you
this is what I heard you say
this is what I feel you feeling
this is what I guess you want
this is what I want
this is how I feel in my body when I talk
this is what this reminds me of
I wish you could see this about me
And any
any
anything that comes up
Listener:
don't talk
eye contact
follow your breathing and the talker's
feel your heart
feel into their feelings
listen for what they are trying to say
notice your defenses,
notice what you want to jump in with
shut up
inside
don't prepare what to say
don't work on remembering what they said
just listen,
look in the eyes
hear the tone
hear their heart
hear their body
hear their life
listen
when the timer goes off
rest a little
both in silence
before the other talks
talk about what you feel in the present
talk about what you felt in your body when the other was talking
talk about what you feel in your body when you say "hard" things to say
admit this a lot:
"This is hard to say, and...."
then say it
listener:
be honored when your partner says hard stuff to say
that means they trust you
hear why it's hard
hear their courage
listen
listen
listen
.....
good
I set out on June 2 to write a blog a day
of great use in the world I am interesting in helping people create
the world of
Love and Sex Before Dinner
If you go to that blog, you'll find a daily offering,
but somehow I don't feel like it's a coherent whole
And that's good
Failure is the path to success
and Happiness is one of the few indicators
that we are on the right path
And so today,
I'm going to start over in a way,
and see what a post every day in July will be like,
with a strict alternation between love and sex
which really means,
talk and touch
except that it's not really going to be that,
because it's going to be about freedom and happiness
and so
the rotation is going to be
a
talk and touch day
a
talk day
and
a
touch day
I reference you to this much of the interview in Sun Magazine,
to which I'd highly highly recommend that you all subscribe:
INTERVIEW WITH BARBARA FREDERICKSON
ON LOVE AS DAILY SMALL AND REAL DOSES OF
POSITIVE CONNECTION
In that interview this is revealed from Frederickson's research:
“a lack of positivity resonance is, in fact, more damaging to your health than smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol excessively, or being obese.”
this is good news
IF we have positivity resonance in our lives
Which means:
small moments of pleasurable connection with another person,
in person
face to face
( not necessarily bodily pleasure, but more like a happy wish to smile and enjoyment of another's company)
And touch helps this.
Not sexual touch today,
just touch touch
And today's game is this:
in the framework of talking 3 minutes at a time,
with a timer
and not interrupting when the other is talking
and being present to your breathing and
to the reality
that
you are going to die
and
this other person is going to die
pay attention to yourself and them
and
your breathing and their breathing
and
then you talk for 3 minutes
each person has 3 turns
18 minutes
a couple that can do this can
thrive
a couple that doesn't
ah,
it won't be as wonderful
and
may well be a mess
and touch?
hold hands
while doing this
that's all
and....
do this every day
for ten days
comment,
or email
how this went
email to the right
cheers,
chrsi
Can you have a good marriage
and not
like touching your partner?'
This seems like
code blue
to me.
This is a place where
you could and should do daily
work
to get
the warmth
and miracle that comes
from touch
back
into your life
and nervous system
without it....
you are going to starve
our feet are as far from our heads as we can get
many a person, perhaps even you, has realized that
being in our heads
think think think
is a way that often avoids life, love and connection
( yeah, yeah, there are problems
to be solved
good
when they are there to be solved
think
and then....
what about the rest of the time)
so
here's a game for today
put your attention as full
time
as possible
on sensing both feet
while you read this
while you do the next thing
while you talk
while you think
and especially
when you are interacting with your partner
in your half hour of love and sex before dinner
in the talking
in the ten minute naked makeout
in sex that is two way
in sex that is one way
in all of these
attempt
with joy and humor
and
intent
to have attention
on three places:
your feet
your heart
your breathing
if sex is involved,
then my all means enjoy your genitals
and mouths
and tongues
oh, yeah:
and look into each other's eyes
in all the activities
except the one way sex
ha, what a nice
assignment
but
don't forget
dive in
feet first
Sex is good
Misused
almost always
and sex
is
good
it's good for touch
it's goof for giving and getting at the same time
it's good for shutting down the mind,
usually
it's good for realizing
that we aren't alone,
usually
it's good for
giving
for giving
forgiving
and it's a mess
it creates a pleasure that is rare
because almost all the rest of life
is lived
out of
the present
out of
love
with the moment
out of sensing
and
touching
and
paying attention
and
connecting
so,
that's the wake the f..... up
how can we
sense full time
touch a lot with all the boundary stuff
and still:
everyone is dying for hugs and even hand holding
paying attention:
positive attention
how many people
can we be around
and like
and let them know
verbally
and
non verbally
that we like them
( I know this sad, sad community,
supposedly into improving love,
that is obsessed with fear
and with giving "adjustments" to each
other
alas,
they give themselves so much extra work,
even though they have a non drug drug
to alleviate the pain
they are constantly encouraging)
no,
f..... to wake up
like this:
have good sex
then have a great talk
about the simple joys of life
what you like
in that moment
not what you liked in the sex
that is over
what you like
now
this now
....
really
this one
if you are in a room with another person,
go tell them something you like
about them
and that you like about being alive
and that you like about yourself
.....
see July, http://sunmagazine.org,
it's not online yet, but subscribe,
you won't regret it,
and the interview this month is amazing.
on "positivity resonance"
which is the best food for health and happiness
it's love
in little chunks
as often as possible,
you'll see,
read it, this interview,
then read it again,
i'll be blogging about it for a couple of weeks
and,
get the print edition , too
no ads
beautiful black and white photos
really
go for it
now
We are kinda crazy
us humans
we love to talk
we love to connect
and then
when it doesn't happen
we stop talking to the one
we want to talk to
because we can't talk
as well
or as easy
or as magically
or as honestly
or as being present
as we wish
and hey
you've got this game as part of
Love and Sex Before Dinner
the game:
talk for 18 minutes
each with 3 turns of 3 minutes
each practicing listening
from now
from no words/ replies in the head
from being present to our bodies
this is good stuff
....
two days ago, I suggested using this golden
opportunity
of listening
to
talk about sex
today I suggest
using this golden
opportunity
of listening
to talk about talk
what are you having a hard time saying?
when are you present and not present?
what are your requests for what you'd like to hear more about?
what are your requests for how your talking go
not only now,
in this magical zone
but all day?
and more,
you can even do that fun
game
of talking
in the
moment
about what your
experience
RIGHT NOW
is of talking
RIGHT NOW
it's pretty cool
it's enlightenment in action, actually
which is what relationships could ( ? should)
be about
cheers
chris
The ten minutes sex before dinner
as much as possible
should never end in climax
that's why the ten minute
naked make out
is so valuable
both are giving
both are getting
it's not genitally predominant
it's oral
it's tactile
go do it
As we meander through these essays,
these daily chapters unfolding,
we will explore this one:
truth as the best foreplay
and sometimes
touch is the way to access that truth
and sometimes touch is the only
way
we can really remember how remarkable
connection is
one human
to another
and so today's suggestion is
to have
a ten minute naked make out first
some days talk before the sex
and some days have the sex before the talk
always have both
and this is the touch/ sex practice I recommend most
the ten minute
naked make out
it's two way
it gives a lot of your body a chance
to connect with
feel
move with
caress
be caressed by
the other body
let's play it this way:
mindfulness
is the undercurrent
how much awareness can you have
as you kiss
and touch
and caress
and get caress
and let the legs play
and here's the catch:
set a timer
when it's over,
stop
thank each other
get out of the bed
get dressed
go talk
talk sitting up
talk in your clothes
talk in another room
maybe hold hands while you talk
touch is good
there are many subtleties to this practice
but for now
naked
timer
stay present
stop when the ten minutes is up
you can do it again at the end of the day
with no timer and the falling into more sex that
we are so used to,
and
and
and
this is sex before dinner
this is a nourishment
that you are going to give yourselves every day
don't make it such a big deal
that you don't want to
keep it going
keep it up
keep it kissing along
day after
day
after
day
....
you begin to get the idea.
this might be very good for your relationship,
right?
cheers
Chris
