a cashier at Whole Foods
was reading a book while waiting
for someone
me
to arrive
I thought is charming
and asked about the book
Hermetic philosophy
Lay a ;piece of wisdom on me, please
I asked
He thumbs through,
excited and a little on the spot
Here:
He says that everything is God
mumble, mumble
and that's plenty for me
I stick out my hand
"Let's shake."
He does.
"Hi, God. My name is God,
pleased to meet you."
It takes a moment,
then he lights up,
"Yeah that's it."
We chat a bit more and then when I leave
I say,
"So long , God."
and
he says,
"See ya, God."
A nice way to start the day, gentle
reader, aka
God.
And you, in your love and sex before dinner, how about that as a way to see your partner before each time you speak.
Or while you make love, make make out, make any of the other stuff, which I'm having a bit of trouble writing about. But it will come to me or not.
And meanwhile, you God, look upon your mate as God, and see what happens.
This is for when you really want to get to
the juice of the two of you
Give yourself about 40 minutes
get the timer
take 5 minute turns, and as the talking progresses
go up to 6 and 7 minutes
take your time
really
talker:
go slow
say the truth:
I don't know what to say
I want to impress you
this is what I heard you say
this is what I feel you feeling
this is what I guess you want
this is what I want
this is how I feel in my body when I talk
this is what this reminds me of
I wish you could see this about me
And any
any
anything that comes up
Listener:
don't talk
eye contact
follow your breathing and the talker's
feel your heart
feel into their feelings
listen for what they are trying to say
notice your defenses,
notice what you want to jump in with
shut up
inside
don't prepare what to say
don't work on remembering what they said
just listen,
look in the eyes
hear the tone
hear their heart
hear their body
hear their life
listen
when the timer goes off
rest a little
both in silence
before the other talks
talk about what you feel in the present
talk about what you felt in your body when the other was talking
talk about what you feel in your body when you say "hard" things to say
admit this a lot:
"This is hard to say, and...."
then say it
listener:
be honored when your partner says hard stuff to say
that means they trust you
hear why it's hard
hear their courage
listen
listen
listen
.....
good
I set out on June 2 to write a blog a day
of great use in the world I am interesting in helping people create
the world of
Love and Sex Before Dinner
If you go to that blog, you'll find a daily offering,
but somehow I don't feel like it's a coherent whole
And that's good
Failure is the path to success
and Happiness is one of the few indicators
that we are on the right path
And so today,
I'm going to start over in a way,
and see what a post every day in July will be like,
with a strict alternation between love and sex
which really means,
talk and touch
except that it's not really going to be that,
because it's going to be about freedom and happiness
and so
the rotation is going to be
a
talk and touch day
a
talk day
and
a
touch day
I reference you to this much of the interview in Sun Magazine,
to which I'd highly highly recommend that you all subscribe:
INTERVIEW WITH BARBARA FREDERICKSON
ON LOVE AS DAILY SMALL AND REAL DOSES OF
POSITIVE CONNECTION
In that interview this is revealed from Frederickson's research:
“a lack of positivity resonance is, in fact, more damaging to your health than smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol excessively, or being obese.”
this is good news
IF we have positivity resonance in our lives
Which means:
small moments of pleasurable connection with another person,
in person
face to face
( not necessarily bodily pleasure, but more like a happy wish to smile and enjoyment of another's company)
And touch helps this.
Not sexual touch today,
just touch touch
And today's game is this:
in the framework of talking 3 minutes at a time,
with a timer
and not interrupting when the other is talking
and being present to your breathing and
to the reality
that
you are going to die
and
this other person is going to die
pay attention to yourself and them
and
your breathing and their breathing
and
then you talk for 3 minutes
each person has 3 turns
18 minutes
a couple that can do this can
thrive
a couple that doesn't
ah,
it won't be as wonderful
and
may well be a mess
and touch?
hold hands
while doing this
that's all
and....
do this every day
for ten days
comment,
or email
how this went
email to the right
cheers,
chrsi
Can you have a good marriage
and not
like touching your partner?'
This seems like
code blue
to me.
This is a place where
you could and should do daily
work
to get
the warmth
and miracle that comes
from touch
back
into your life
and nervous system
without it....
you are going to starve
our feet are as far from our heads as we can get
many a person, perhaps even you, has realized that
being in our heads
think think think
is a way that often avoids life, love and connection
( yeah, yeah, there are problems
to be solved
good
when they are there to be solved
think
and then....
what about the rest of the time)
so
here's a game for today
put your attention as full
time
as possible
on sensing both feet
while you read this
while you do the next thing
while you talk
while you think
and especially
when you are interacting with your partner
in your half hour of love and sex before dinner
in the talking
in the ten minute naked makeout
in sex that is two way
in sex that is one way
in all of these
attempt
with joy and humor
and
intent
to have attention
on three places:
your feet
your heart
your breathing
if sex is involved,
then my all means enjoy your genitals
and mouths
and tongues
oh, yeah:
and look into each other's eyes
in all the activities
except the one way sex
ha, what a nice
assignment
but
don't forget
dive in
feet first
Sex is good
Misused
almost always
and sex
is
good
it's good for touch
it's goof for giving and getting at the same time
it's good for shutting down the mind,
usually
it's good for realizing
that we aren't alone,
usually
it's good for
giving
for giving
forgiving
and it's a mess
it creates a pleasure that is rare
because almost all the rest of life
is lived
out of
the present
out of
love
with the moment
out of sensing
and
touching
and
paying attention
and
connecting
so,
that's the wake the f..... up
how can we
sense full time
touch a lot with all the boundary stuff
and still:
everyone is dying for hugs and even hand holding
paying attention:
positive attention
how many people
can we be around
and like
and let them know
verbally
and
non verbally
that we like them
( I know this sad, sad community,
supposedly into improving love,
that is obsessed with fear
and with giving "adjustments" to each
other
alas,
they give themselves so much extra work,
even though they have a non drug drug
to alleviate the pain
they are constantly encouraging)
no,
f..... to wake up
like this:
have good sex
then have a great talk
about the simple joys of life
what you like
in that moment
not what you liked in the sex
that is over
what you like
now
this now
....
really
this one
if you are in a room with another person,
go tell them something you like
about them
and that you like about being alive
and that you like about yourself
.....
see July, http://sunmagazine.org,
it's not online yet, but subscribe,
you won't regret it,
and the interview this month is amazing.
on "positivity resonance"
which is the best food for health and happiness
it's love
in little chunks
as often as possible,
you'll see,
read it, this interview,
then read it again,
i'll be blogging about it for a couple of weeks
and,
get the print edition , too
no ads
beautiful black and white photos
really
go for it
now
Two people sit together
they agree to be present for the whole twenty minutes they
are going to talk
this isn't a timer discussion,
and
there is a commitment to wait, a nice long time
while listening to the other,
in case they have a little more to say
And you
are going to
sit
and be present
and wait for a question
a question that is important,
or a question that is fueled with curiosity
or a question
that is waiting in the room for one of you to discover
and
admit
admit to the room
admit to yourselves that it wants to be asked
"wants" to be asked
and as you wait,
be present
to yourself
in gravity
and
yourself in air,
breathing
be present to the other person
especially their eyes and their smile,
or not yet smile
( sooner or later, if you are telling the truth
and asking the truth
and
listening
a smile will come)
pay attention to the heart that is beating
inside your chest
and then ask your important question
always this way:
both of you are going to answer it.
So you don't ask:
"Do you love me?"
You ask, "How is your love for me going? What's easy about it, and what's hard?"
And then you both have to answer.
Slowly.
Searching.
Fumbling.
Admitting the other into your inner world
Admitting you don't know it all
And, as set up above:
Wait a long time, for them to find one or two or three more
aspects they might want to avoid in a certain way
Wait a long time in the silence when they are really done.
don't start till you've gotten quiet and heard what they had to say.
Then give your answer.
And,
if you want,
after that, what you can do, is take turns saying,
"What I got about you from what I heard you say, was..."
Or, you could put that before the second person answers the question.
It's not important.
Sharing what's deep is.
and
Whoever came up with the first question, the other person comes up with the next one.
