a cashier at Whole Foods
was reading a book while waiting
for someone
me
to arrive
I thought is charming
and asked about the book
Hermetic philosophy
Lay a ;piece of wisdom on me, please
I asked
He thumbs through,
excited and a little on the spot
Here:
He says that everything is God
mumble, mumble
and that's plenty for me
I stick out my hand
"Let's shake."
He does.
"Hi, God. My name is God,
pleased to meet you."
It takes a moment,
then he lights up,
"Yeah that's it."
We chat a bit more and then when I leave
I say,
"So long , God."
and
he says,
"See ya, God."
A nice way to start the day, gentle
reader, aka
God.
And you, in your love and sex before dinner, how about that as a way to see your partner before each time you speak.
Or while you make love, make make out, make any of the other stuff, which I'm having a bit of trouble writing about. But it will come to me or not.
And meanwhile, you God, look upon your mate as God, and see what happens.
I set out on June 2 to write a blog a day
of great use in the world I am interesting in helping people create
the world of
Love and Sex Before Dinner
If you go to that blog, you'll find a daily offering,
but somehow I don't feel like it's a coherent whole
And that's good
Failure is the path to success
and Happiness is one of the few indicators
that we are on the right path
And so today,
I'm going to start over in a way,
and see what a post every day in July will be like,
with a strict alternation between love and sex
which really means,
talk and touch
except that it's not really going to be that,
because it's going to be about freedom and happiness
and so
the rotation is going to be
a
talk and touch day
a
talk day
and
a
touch day
I reference you to this much of the interview in Sun Magazine,
to which I'd highly highly recommend that you all subscribe:
INTERVIEW WITH BARBARA FREDERICKSON
ON LOVE AS DAILY SMALL AND REAL DOSES OF
POSITIVE CONNECTION
In that interview this is revealed from Frederickson's research:
“a lack of positivity resonance is, in fact, more damaging to your health than smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol excessively, or being obese.”
this is good news
IF we have positivity resonance in our lives
Which means:
small moments of pleasurable connection with another person,
in person
face to face
( not necessarily bodily pleasure, but more like a happy wish to smile and enjoyment of another's company)
And touch helps this.
Not sexual touch today,
just touch touch
And today's game is this:
in the framework of talking 3 minutes at a time,
with a timer
and not interrupting when the other is talking
and being present to your breathing and
to the reality
that
you are going to die
and
this other person is going to die
pay attention to yourself and them
and
your breathing and their breathing
and
then you talk for 3 minutes
each person has 3 turns
18 minutes
a couple that can do this can
thrive
a couple that doesn't
ah,
it won't be as wonderful
and
may well be a mess
and touch?
hold hands
while doing this
that's all
and....
do this every day
for ten days
comment,
or email
how this went
email to the right
cheers,
chrsi
Can you have a good marriage
and not
like touching your partner?'
This seems like
code blue
to me.
This is a place where
you could and should do daily
work
to get
the warmth
and miracle that comes
from touch
back
into your life
and nervous system
without it....
you are going to starve
Sex is good
Misused
almost always
and sex
is
good
it's good for touch
it's goof for giving and getting at the same time
it's good for shutting down the mind,
usually
it's good for realizing
that we aren't alone,
usually
it's good for
giving
for giving
forgiving
and it's a mess
it creates a pleasure that is rare
because almost all the rest of life
is lived
out of
the present
out of
love
with the moment
out of sensing
and
touching
and
paying attention
and
connecting
so,
that's the wake the f..... up
how can we
sense full time
touch a lot with all the boundary stuff
and still:
everyone is dying for hugs and even hand holding
paying attention:
positive attention
how many people
can we be around
and like
and let them know
verbally
and
non verbally
that we like them
( I know this sad, sad community,
supposedly into improving love,
that is obsessed with fear
and with giving "adjustments" to each
other
alas,
they give themselves so much extra work,
even though they have a non drug drug
to alleviate the pain
they are constantly encouraging)
no,
f..... to wake up
like this:
have good sex
then have a great talk
about the simple joys of life
what you like
in that moment
not what you liked in the sex
that is over
what you like
now
this now
....
really
this one
if you are in a room with another person,
go tell them something you like
about them
and that you like about being alive
and that you like about yourself
.....
see July, http://sunmagazine.org,
it's not online yet, but subscribe,
you won't regret it,
and the interview this month is amazing.
on "positivity resonance"
which is the best food for health and happiness
it's love
in little chunks
as often as possible,
you'll see,
read it, this interview,
then read it again,
i'll be blogging about it for a couple of weeks
and,
get the print edition , too
no ads
beautiful black and white photos
really
go for it
now
slow down
connect deeply
wake up
discover love
awake you don't have to rush
you talk
and then your partner talks
the goal
be present while you talk
be present while you listen
then
ten minutes of sex
ten minutes in which
not to hurry
not to have any climax
just to get touching
and the juices flowing
make out:
naked
lots of touch
cock sucking,
slow,
no effort to climax
guy: relax,
let it be overwhelming
don't help
relax
woman:
go slow
sense it all
don't try to get any werhe
clitoris stroking
sit so you can see easily
lubricate
go slowly
stay on the clitoris
don't try to get her off
woman:
don't mov
don't help
just feel
just sense
both of you:
stay in the moment
ten minutes of touch
twenty minutes of talk
walk up
love without waking will always turn
to a mess
( messes aren't bad,
but this half hour is for waking up,
not making more of messes
plenty of them in life)
slow
slower
slowly
sense your body
sense your relationship to gravity
follow your body
wake up
good
The ten minutes sex before dinner
as much as possible
should never end in climax
that's why the ten minute
naked make out
is so valuable
both are giving
both are getting
it's not genitally predominant
it's oral
it's tactile
go do it
Anything in life can be improved
by
being present
many a disaster can be forestalled or
avoided
by being present
many/ all messes can be cleared up
by slowing down
and
becoming present
today,
we're back to the touching before dinner
ten minutes of making out
or
some
sort of sex
we'll let the sex be up in the air
for awhile
while you practice slowing down
and taking turns
taking turns,
almost like the communication
well,
exactly like the communication
but without any words
you might want to spend more than ten minutes with this
get your trusty timer
one of you lie down
and close your eyes
the other is to touch you
slowly
not in the genitals,
and yes
anywhere else
and everywhere else in your body
for the first day,
don't make any requests if you are the receiver while you are receiving
play like this:
first turn:
one touches,
the other feels
the timer goes off
the other one touches,
the other feels
second turn:
no words of wishing anything different in the first round,
but before each touching turn,
the receiver is to ask:
here is how I'd like to be touched ( firm, soft, tight, gentle, fast, slow, big movements, little movements) and here is where I'd like it to be concentrated
the toucher can honor that, or not
it seems kind of silly not to,
but really, a request has to be really open
if it's truly a request
after,
just a thank you,
no evaluation
and then swap around
third turn:
make a request before you receive, and for sure make in a different request,
different place
different modes of speed, pressure, length
And then
as many turns as you want,
keep going back and forth,
and each time ask for a new place
and a new set of operating procedures
....
we get into such ruts
in sex
and
in life
and we ask so rarely for what we want
and we are so worried that if we finally get on a good grove,
going anywhere else will blow the whole scene apart
touch is talking
receiving touch is listening
have the final turn,
if you wish,
no requests,
but just let the toucher be trying to tell the receiver
something
let the communication be quite
and skin level
see what happens
feel what happens
don't talk for awhile after this,
so if this is to be combined with a talking session before dinner,
do the talking session first
good
Slow, Connect, Discover
I help people to
SLOW down
and
CONNECT deeply to themselves
so that they can
DISCOVER
Ease, grace, youthfulness, delight and pleasure
in
MOVEMENT and
LIFE
And you gentle reader
in your ten minute make out
this is your job
SLOW down the kissing
and the touching
and even the breathing
perhaps say what you are feeling as sensation
perhaps go even slower than you think is slow
and
pay attention to how the
CONNECTING
is happening
moment by moment
and in each moment see what you can
DISCOVER
about a new direction, pressure, stopping, starting, shifting
that would make
your make out
more
pleasurable, graceful, delightful, youthful
you know
just plain old
divine
cheers,
chris
Two people get together
they are lonely
or
they are open
or
they are lucky
and, anyway,
they decide to open up to the charm
of a new being
someone who is different than them
if they are unlucky
they get off to a bang sexually
( and I won't go into that until ten or twenty
chapters down the line)
but let's say this:
touch is crucial
they need to hold hands
they
need to kiss
and the important thing is
....
if they are lucky,
they wake up to the miracle
the miracle
the miracle
I am alive
in this moment
and they share that with the other
person
and the other person:
yes, I am alive in this moment
he: I am alive in this moment
I am excited and awake
to being here with you
she: I am alive in this moment
I can feel my life
and can feel us sharing this
moment
and so on
....
time passes
they come together
they have good days,
whoopie
they have stressful days,
and here's the rub
in the stress they can
be either mindful,
which is to say:
aware of the miracle
I am alive
and I am feeling stress
and I want to lash out
but what I am really feeling is..
sad about ..
afraid about...
worried about...
incompetent about...
mindful
and we can be free to explore what's bothering us
mindless
we have to default
to whatever our programing is
which is usually what
Ma
and
Pa
did when they were under stress
which usually looked like
blame
or avoidance
or
manipulation
or
whatever
who cares,
that's why so many therapists stay so busy
bad Ma and Pa training
and
you can therapize forever
and
have all the insight in the world
and if you aren't present
to yourself
and your partner
when the stress comes on
you are going to be mindless
which means
Ma
and Pa
stuff
and it's not any more complicated than that
and it's the whole world
of difference
freedom in mindfulness
slavery to conditioned/ robot responses
in mindlessness
this sounds kind or sermonesque
sorry,
that's my father's righteous robot
and
hey,
it can be a game,
the let me catch my robot and
admit it game
and then,
fingers touching the keyboard,
birds singing and cooing out the window
breath in and out
and I'm back
home
to now
how about
YOU?
cheers
Chris
As we meander through these essays,
these daily chapters unfolding,
we will explore this one:
truth as the best foreplay
and sometimes
touch is the way to access that truth
and sometimes touch is the only
way
we can really remember how remarkable
connection is
one human
to another
and so today's suggestion is
to have
a ten minute naked make out first
some days talk before the sex
and some days have the sex before the talk
always have both
and this is the touch/ sex practice I recommend most
the ten minute
naked make out
it's two way
it gives a lot of your body a chance
to connect with
feel
move with
caress
be caressed by
the other body
let's play it this way:
mindfulness
is the undercurrent
how much awareness can you have
as you kiss
and touch
and caress
and get caress
and let the legs play
and here's the catch:
set a timer
when it's over,
stop
thank each other
get out of the bed
get dressed
go talk
talk sitting up
talk in your clothes
talk in another room
maybe hold hands while you talk
touch is good
there are many subtleties to this practice
but for now
naked
timer
stay present
stop when the ten minutes is up
you can do it again at the end of the day
with no timer and the falling into more sex that
we are so used to,
and
and
and
this is sex before dinner
this is a nourishment
that you are going to give yourselves every day
don't make it such a big deal
that you don't want to
keep it going
keep it up
keep it kissing along
day after
day
after
day
....
you begin to get the idea.
this might be very good for your relationship,
right?
cheers
Chris
Love and Sex Before Dinner.
Before.
Let's say you are going to budget 30 minutes, BEFORE DINNER, before chores, before bugging the kids about homework, before turning on the TV, the internet, the smart or dumb phone, yes,
praise the Lord
praise the Life, this one life you have,
praise your partner, no matter how good or bad things are going,
praise this chance
to play
to play
at two of the most important aspects of being human.
one: being present
two: love
Love and sex, sex and love, touch and talk.
Both in the now.
Love. Nourishing love before you nourish your bodies.
Finding love
Cultivating love
Resurrecting love
Shoring up love
Rediscovering love
Falling in love
Re-falling in love
Again
You noticed, perhaps, quite a few re- actions. REdiscovery, REsurrecting, RE-falling.
We could add more
REsearching your love
REviewing love
RE-exploring your love
RE-NEWING your love
RE-NEWING
RE-NEWING
I seem to have said that three times. Did you notice?
And, I'll say this, over and over, to remind myself as much as you... the new happens only in the now.
The new happens, only, in the now.
So, we could say,
RE-NOWING love'
RE-NOWING your love.
Okay,
but to dinner and before dinner.
And this blog, and this whole process, which I hope to be a worldwide movement in the next ten years, was tempted to be called,
SEX BEFORE DINNER
Because at the real "end of the day", after TV or calls, or too much to do, or food, or too much food, or all the wonders and hassles of kids, or too much dozing off to sleep reading, or getting engrossed reading,
as THAT end of the day,
the real end of the day, not just the cliché
we are often/ usually too "tired" for sex.
Maybe a good night peck.
Maybe not.
Alas
Alas
Alas.
A waste of the conjugal bed, and the idea of marriage, and the joys of the flesh.
And much more.
Touch can bring us into the now.
And, this blog, the movement is NOT just Sex Before Dinner.
There are enough people who mistake sex for intimacy, and use it to wash all their loneliness under the rug.
So the blog, the website ( coming soon), the movement is about this:
Love and Sex Before Dinner.
And so, "How was your Day?" becomes not just a throwaway question, as in, you complain and little and I won't listen, because really, I want to complain and have you listen.
"How was your Day?" becomes a chance to practice Love Before Dinner.
A simple version of love.
And missed, often missed, rarely taken advantage of.
Here, it's an 18 minute thing.
And then 10 minutes of making out.
That's half an hour before dinner.
Kids, worries, hurries, got somewhere to go?
We'll deal with that , or you deal with that, but that's the buy in price.
If you want change, you have to change something.
This half hour will change at least three ( more likely 5 or more) things.
One: You will be committing to present centered time together.
Two: You will be taking equal turns listening.
Three: There will be kissing involved after the Love.
And what has Love got to do with it?
Everything in this movement I'm wishing and working for.
Sex without love,
as is love without sex,
nah,
that life isn't worth living.
So, here's the nuts and bolts,
and we'll go over this again and again.
18 minutes.
a timer ( iPhone has one)
sit across from each other
One person asks, "How was your day?"
The other answers for three minutes by the timer.
The listener listens.
Does not interrupt.
Doesn't grimace or otherwise nonverbally comment.
Stays present to breathing.
As much as possible let's go quickly of "thoughts" he or she wants to say in return.
Follows their breathing.
Listens.
The timer rings.
Reverse. "How was your day?"
Three minutes the other way.
Later we'll go over the present centered suggestions for the talker.
For now, love and listening are close enough, so this will get the REnewal headed quickly and clearly.
That's six minutes.
Now, without any "how was your day?" to lead it off, each take two more turns talking while your partner listens deeply and in the present.
Look each other in the eye.
Smile if you feel it.
Notice your breathing and their breathing.
There's more.
A lot more.
Talking in the present is one of life's most challenging and love's most rewarding activities.
And then, that's about twenty minutes.
Go in the bedroom.
Put the kid in front of a video.
If it's a baby, bring it into the bed.
If they are older kids, just tell them, we are going to go make out for ten minutes.
Go in the bedroom.
Make out.
....
That's your start.
It isn't everything.
And it'll make a big difference.
Oh,yeah.
Every day.
Not just hit and miss..
