Two people sit together
they agree to be present for the whole twenty minutes they
are going to talk
this isn't a timer discussion,
and
there is a commitment to wait, a nice long time
while listening to the other,
in case they have a little more to say
And you
are going to
sit
and be present
and wait for a question
a question that is important,
or a question that is fueled with curiosity
or a question
that is waiting in the room for one of you to discover
and
admit
admit to the room
admit to yourselves that it wants to be asked
"wants" to be asked
and as you wait,
be present
to yourself
in gravity
and
yourself in air,
breathing
be present to the other person
especially their eyes and their smile,
or not yet smile
( sooner or later, if you are telling the truth
and asking the truth
and
listening
a smile will come)
pay attention to the heart that is beating
inside your chest
and then ask your important question
always this way:
both of you are going to answer it.
So you don't ask:
"Do you love me?"
You ask, "How is your love for me going? What's easy about it, and what's hard?"
And then you both have to answer.
Slowly.
Searching.
Fumbling.
Admitting the other into your inner world
Admitting you don't know it all
And, as set up above:
Wait a long time, for them to find one or two or three more
aspects they might want to avoid in a certain way
Wait a long time in the silence when they are really done.
don't start till you've gotten quiet and heard what they had to say.
Then give your answer.
And,
if you want,
after that, what you can do, is take turns saying,
"What I got about you from what I heard you say, was..."
Or, you could put that before the second person answers the question.
It's not important.
Sharing what's deep is.
and
Whoever came up with the first question, the other person comes up with the next one.
Love is
either unconditional
or
it
isn't love
..
beginning practice:
( that will take you all your life)
find three things you "don't like"
in your partner
or good friend
or the best you can do
for a good friend
and then
figure out how
to love
them
for that,
for the awful thing,
not loving the "good" side,
but the shit side
love
yuk,
but,
you know,
unconditional means....
not accept them
not let them slide
not put up with them
but
love them
...
more tomorrow
We are kinda crazy
us humans
we love to talk
we love to connect
and then
when it doesn't happen
we stop talking to the one
we want to talk to
because we can't talk
as well
or as easy
or as magically
or as honestly
or as being present
as we wish
and hey
you've got this game as part of
Love and Sex Before Dinner
the game:
talk for 18 minutes
each with 3 turns of 3 minutes
each practicing listening
from now
from no words/ replies in the head
from being present to our bodies
this is good stuff
....
two days ago, I suggested using this golden
opportunity
of listening
to
talk about sex
today I suggest
using this golden
opportunity
of listening
to talk about talk
what are you having a hard time saying?
when are you present and not present?
what are your requests for what you'd like to hear more about?
what are your requests for how your talking go
not only now,
in this magical zone
but all day?
and more,
you can even do that fun
game
of talking
in the
moment
about what your
experience
RIGHT NOW
is of talking
RIGHT NOW
it's pretty cool
it's enlightenment in action, actually
which is what relationships could ( ? should)
be about
cheers
chris
Anything in life can be improved
by
being present
many a disaster can be forestalled or
avoided
by being present
many/ all messes can be cleared up
by slowing down
and
becoming present
today,
we're back to the touching before dinner
ten minutes of making out
or
some
sort of sex
we'll let the sex be up in the air
for awhile
while you practice slowing down
and taking turns
taking turns,
almost like the communication
well,
exactly like the communication
but without any words
you might want to spend more than ten minutes with this
get your trusty timer
one of you lie down
and close your eyes
the other is to touch you
slowly
not in the genitals,
and yes
anywhere else
and everywhere else in your body
for the first day,
don't make any requests if you are the receiver while you are receiving
play like this:
first turn:
one touches,
the other feels
the timer goes off
the other one touches,
the other feels
second turn:
no words of wishing anything different in the first round,
but before each touching turn,
the receiver is to ask:
here is how I'd like to be touched ( firm, soft, tight, gentle, fast, slow, big movements, little movements) and here is where I'd like it to be concentrated
the toucher can honor that, or not
it seems kind of silly not to,
but really, a request has to be really open
if it's truly a request
after,
just a thank you,
no evaluation
and then swap around
third turn:
make a request before you receive, and for sure make in a different request,
different place
different modes of speed, pressure, length
And then
as many turns as you want,
keep going back and forth,
and each time ask for a new place
and a new set of operating procedures
....
we get into such ruts
in sex
and
in life
and we ask so rarely for what we want
and we are so worried that if we finally get on a good grove,
going anywhere else will blow the whole scene apart
touch is talking
receiving touch is listening
have the final turn,
if you wish,
no requests,
but just let the toucher be trying to tell the receiver
something
let the communication be quite
and skin level
see what happens
feel what happens
don't talk for awhile after this,
so if this is to be combined with a talking session before dinner,
do the talking session first
good
Two people get together
they are lonely
or
they are open
or
they are lucky
and, anyway,
they decide to open up to the charm
of a new being
someone who is different than them
if they are unlucky
they get off to a bang sexually
( and I won't go into that until ten or twenty
chapters down the line)
but let's say this:
touch is crucial
they need to hold hands
they
need to kiss
and the important thing is
....
if they are lucky,
they wake up to the miracle
the miracle
the miracle
I am alive
in this moment
and they share that with the other
person
and the other person:
yes, I am alive in this moment
he: I am alive in this moment
I am excited and awake
to being here with you
she: I am alive in this moment
I can feel my life
and can feel us sharing this
moment
and so on
....
time passes
they come together
they have good days,
whoopie
they have stressful days,
and here's the rub
in the stress they can
be either mindful,
which is to say:
aware of the miracle
I am alive
and I am feeling stress
and I want to lash out
but what I am really feeling is..
sad about ..
afraid about...
worried about...
incompetent about...
mindful
and we can be free to explore what's bothering us
mindless
we have to default
to whatever our programing is
which is usually what
Ma
and
Pa
did when they were under stress
which usually looked like
blame
or avoidance
or
manipulation
or
whatever
who cares,
that's why so many therapists stay so busy
bad Ma and Pa training
and
you can therapize forever
and
have all the insight in the world
and if you aren't present
to yourself
and your partner
when the stress comes on
you are going to be mindless
which means
Ma
and Pa
stuff
and it's not any more complicated than that
and it's the whole world
of difference
freedom in mindfulness
slavery to conditioned/ robot responses
in mindlessness
this sounds kind or sermonesque
sorry,
that's my father's righteous robot
and
hey,
it can be a game,
the let me catch my robot and
admit it game
and then,
fingers touching the keyboard,
birds singing and cooing out the window
breath in and out
and I'm back
home
to now
how about
YOU?
cheers
Chris
