positivity resonance.... do it or die

I set out on June 2 to write a blog a day
of great use in the world I am interesting in helping people create

the world of

Love and Sex Before Dinner

If you go to that blog, you'll find a daily offering,
but somehow I don't feel like it's a coherent whole

And that's good

Failure is the path to success
and Happiness is one of the few indicators
that we are on the right path

And so today,
I'm going to start over in a way,

and see what a post every day in July will be like,
with a strict alternation between love and sex
which really means,
talk and touch

except that it's not really going to be that,
because it's going to be about freedom and happiness
and so

the rotation is going to be
a
talk and touch day
a
talk day
and
a
touch day

I reference you to this much of the interview in Sun Magazine,
to which I'd highly highly recommend that you all subscribe:

INTERVIEW WITH BARBARA FREDERICKSON
ON LOVE AS DAILY SMALL AND REAL DOSES OF
POSITIVE CONNECTION

In that interview this is revealed from Frederickson's research:

“a lack of positivity resonance is, in fact, more damaging to your health than smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol excessively, or being obese.”

this is good news

IF we have positivity resonance in our lives

Which means:

small moments of pleasurable connection with another person,
in person

face to face

( not necessarily bodily pleasure, but more like a happy wish to smile and enjoyment of another's company)

And touch helps this.

Not sexual touch today,
just touch touch

And today's game is this:


in the framework of talking 3 minutes at a time,
with a timer

and not interrupting when the other is talking

and being present to your breathing and
to the reality
that
you are going to die
and
this other person is going to die
pay attention to yourself and them
and
your breathing and their breathing

and
then you talk for 3 minutes

each person has 3 turns

18 minutes

a couple that can do this can
thrive

a couple that doesn't
ah,
it won't be as wonderful
and
may well be a mess


and touch?

hold hands
while doing this

that's all

and....

do this every day
for ten days
comment,
or email
how this went

email to the right


cheers,
chrsi

How Can I love you more, 2

How can I love you more? Part 2
( these are, the improve love and sex posts, being published in
http://Loveandsexbeforedinner.blogspot.com)

One: take the time.

that's what the twenty minutes before dinner is about
and that's not to top limit. you can talk for hours if you want

Two:
be present

we get lost in our stories of
how another person should have been

in the present
we can at least report:
this is my sensation
this is my emotion
and
then go into the song and dance if we have to

Three:
Listen

that's what the timer game of you talk for three minutes
while your partner is non interrupting and preent
and they talk for three and you return the favot

and
here's a new twist:
Four:
Ask

Take 3 or 4 minute turns,
ask a question,
listen to the answer
do not comment on or respond to the answer
just
ask another question

ask questions and listen to answers until the timer runs out the time

Ask deeper and deeper questions:

How are you feeling?

Upset.

Would you please tell me about it?

I don't feel that we are working very well as a couple.

Could you tell me a couple of ways that seems true to you?

......

What would you like to see changed?

How are you feeling as you say this?

What would you like me to do differently?

How do you think you could change?

And so on...


Asking good questions takes awhile.

Love takes awhile.

We think ( imagine) that with the right chemistry and going out to dinner enough and drinking enough wine everything is going to be fine

If your robot matches theirs, it might

otherwise.
if you want love
you gots to put in your time

and asking questions
and listening
in the present

to the answers

and then asking a caring and curious next question

this is how we can "make" love

with our clothes on


good

How can I love you more?

Touch and Talk

Talk and Touch

that's the program
and it seems so simple
and
it's
not

so let's say in the talk you want
to help things
be better

the vibe, the feeling, the overtone of your relationship hasn't been so great lately
and you want it to change

so what to do

talk
talk with the timer

talk about what you want

talk about what you are afraid to say

talk about your guess as to what's going on in the other person

this is a lot

this is gold

this is why relationships

if taken as paths to awakening
are so
very
wonder
ful
and valuable



what you want vs. your complaint

what you are afraid to talk about, vs what's wrong with them

guessing what's going on in them, and make sure it's not an insulting guess

what are the fears and worries and prior woundings that are going on in them?

discover what you can
enjoy

Awakened relationship, #7 in Love and Sex Before Dinner

Two people get together

they are lonely
or
they are open
or
they are lucky

and, anyway,
they decide to open up to the charm
of a new being

someone who is different than them

if they are unlucky
they get off to a bang sexually
( and I won't go into that until ten or twenty
chapters down the line)

but let's say this:
touch is crucial

they need to hold hands
they
need to kiss

and the important thing is
....

if they are lucky,
they wake up to the miracle

the miracle

the miracle

I am alive
in this moment

and they share that with the other
person

and the other person:
yes, I am alive in this moment

he: I am alive in this moment
I am excited and awake
to being here with you

she: I am alive in this moment
I can feel my life
and can feel us sharing this
moment

and so on

....
time passes
they come together

they have good days,
whoopie

they have stressful days,
and here's the rub

in the stress they can
be either mindful,
which is to say:
aware of the miracle

I am alive
and I am feeling stress
and I want to lash out
but what I am really feeling is..
sad about ..
afraid about...
worried about...
incompetent about...

mindful
and we can be free to explore what's bothering us

mindless
we have to default
to whatever our programing is

which is usually what
Ma
and
Pa
did when they were under stress

which usually looked like
blame
or avoidance
or
manipulation
or
whatever

who cares,
that's why so many therapists stay so busy

bad Ma and Pa training

and
you can therapize forever
and
have all the insight in the world

and if you aren't present
to yourself
and your partner
when the stress comes on

you are going to be mindless

which means
Ma
and Pa
stuff

and it's not any more complicated than that

and it's the whole world
of difference

freedom in mindfulness

slavery to conditioned/ robot responses
in mindlessness

this sounds kind or sermonesque

sorry,
that's my father's righteous robot

and
hey,
it can be a game,

the let me catch my robot and
admit it game

and then,
fingers touching the keyboard,
birds singing and cooing out the window
breath in and out

and I'm back
home
to now

how about
YOU?

cheers
Chris

Touch before Talk, one alternative: The Ten Minute Make Out

As we meander through these essays, these daily chapters unfolding,
we will explore this one:

truth as the best foreplay

and sometimes
touch is the way to access that truth

and sometimes touch is the only
way
we can really remember how remarkable
connection is

one human
to another

and so today's suggestion is
to have 

a ten minute naked make out first

some days talk before the sex
and some days have the sex before the talk

always have both

and this is the touch/ sex practice I recommend most

the ten minute
naked make out

it's two way

it gives a lot of your body a chance
to connect with
feel
move with
caress
be caressed by

the other body

let's play it this way:

mindfulness
is the undercurrent

how much awareness can you have
as you kiss
and touch
and caress
and get caress
and let the legs play

and here's the catch:

set a timer

when it's over,
stop
thank each other

get out of the bed

get dressed

go talk

talk sitting up
talk in your clothes
talk in another room

maybe hold hands while you talk

touch is good

there are many subtleties to this practice
but for now

naked
timer
stay present

stop when the ten minutes is up

 you can do it again at the end of the day
with no timer and the falling into more sex that
we are so used to,
and
and
and

this is sex before dinner

this is a nourishment
that you are going to give yourselves every day

don't make it such a big deal
that you don't want to
keep it going
keep it up
keep it kissing along

day after
day
after
day


....
you begin to get the idea.

this might be very good for your relationship,
right?


cheers Chris

Ambivalence

Here's the deal:

You fall in love
and someone is heaven

why?
because you listen
because you are fascinated
because they are new, which means you are in the...

yes,
the
now

and guess what?  ( you know this)
in
the now
it's pretty much all love

and then
step two:
the mind/ head/ judgment/ fear/ control
comes along
and.....

they kind of suck
or
they way suck

or they are a betrayal of your fantasy
of (finally)
finding the perfect mate

oh, shit....

and then what?
well.

in the world of love
and mindfulness..

you could get vulnerable
and talk about your limitations

and talking about your limitations
would be admitting
and examining
YOUR OWN JUDGMENTS ( gasp)
as your limitation

the work of Byron Katie is
fine
/
wonderful here,
and don't take my word for it
get experience,
 go to her website
or immediately after reading this
take three judgments about any one
of those millions of less than perfect beings,
judge that person,
and
write that judgment down
and do the work

and
back to ambivalence

ambivalence admitted
can cut through the third stage
of relationship

the POWER STRUGGLE stage

To recap the stages ( first three of twelve):

one: fascination and being in the now

two: disillusionment and being in the judgments

three: power struggle

power struggle often takes the form
of come closer vs
go away

let's do it
let's end it

the usual whine: you suck, and if you'd just change 
the way I want you to
then it would all be wonderful again

or the good old fashioned:
let me tell you what's wrong with you

ah, gad.
so normal,
almost inevitable,
and
this is all bullshit

unless talked about from
mindfulness

i.e.
not believing your thoughts

and
that's enough for today

you either get it
how amazing and free life would be
if you didn't believe your thoughts

or
you don't

so be it

don't believe me , though,
don't believe my thoughts

try it out:
see what the difference is

sit in one chair and believe one of your judgments
sit in another chair and don't believe it

that's all:

get experience

that's the juice that can lift us from being tortured by ambivalence
to
using it as fuel
to deepen our spiritual and
emotional
and
relationship

lives

love &

awakening

good