Sex is good
Misused
almost always
and sex
is
good
it's good for touch
it's goof for giving and getting at the same time
it's good for shutting down the mind,
usually
it's good for realizing
that we aren't alone,
usually
it's good for
giving
for giving
forgiving
and it's a mess
it creates a pleasure that is rare
because almost all the rest of life
is lived
out of
the present
out of
love
with the moment
out of sensing
and
touching
and
paying attention
and
connecting
so,
that's the wake the f..... up
how can we
sense full time
touch a lot with all the boundary stuff
and still:
everyone is dying for hugs and even hand holding
paying attention:
positive attention
how many people
can we be around
and like
and let them know
verbally
and
non verbally
that we like them
( I know this sad, sad community,
supposedly into improving love,
that is obsessed with fear
and with giving "adjustments" to each
other
alas,
they give themselves so much extra work,
even though they have a non drug drug
to alleviate the pain
they are constantly encouraging)
no,
f..... to wake up
like this:
have good sex
then have a great talk
about the simple joys of life
what you like
in that moment
not what you liked in the sex
that is over
what you like
now
this now
....
really
this one
if you are in a room with another person,
go tell them something you like
about them
and that you like about being alive
and that you like about yourself
.....
see July, http://sunmagazine.org,
it's not online yet, but subscribe,
you won't regret it,
and the interview this month is amazing.
on "positivity resonance"
which is the best food for health and happiness
it's love
in little chunks
as often as possible,
you'll see,
read it, this interview,
then read it again,
i'll be blogging about it for a couple of weeks
and,
get the print edition , too
no ads
beautiful black and white photos
really
go for it
now
okay
admit it
you don't talk about sex
you wish about it
you might complaint about it
or whine about it
and so
what?
no one's perfect
( remember the end of Some Like it Hot)
and
let's have this be one of the talk games:
as you remember
perhaps,
as part of love and sex before dinner
you are spending a grueling 18 minutes a day
ACTUALLY TALKING TO &
LISTENING TO
YOUR PARTNER
you talk 3 minutes, they listen,
in the present,
no interrupting
they talk for 3 minutes,
you listen
in the present,
no interrupting,
and as
much as possible, no words in your head (aka "thinking") about
how you are going to respond
back and forth,
3 whole turns each
18 minutes
it seems so piddling
and most partners talk less than this
in a week
except plans,
day recitals,
grumbles about work,
blah blah
so
here's today:
in your talk:
tell what you like about your sex
with your partner
and
talk about what more, or different
that you'd like
and respond
(without thinking about it while
they are talking)
to whatever they say to you
and even,
curiosity being a component of love
and the now,
ask some questions in
your turn
enjoy
chris
Anything in life can be improved
by
being present
many a disaster can be forestalled or
avoided
by being present
many/ all messes can be cleared up
by slowing down
and
becoming present
today,
we're back to the touching before dinner
ten minutes of making out
or
some
sort of sex
we'll let the sex be up in the air
for awhile
while you practice slowing down
and taking turns
taking turns,
almost like the communication
well,
exactly like the communication
but without any words
you might want to spend more than ten minutes with this
get your trusty timer
one of you lie down
and close your eyes
the other is to touch you
slowly
not in the genitals,
and yes
anywhere else
and everywhere else in your body
for the first day,
don't make any requests if you are the receiver while you are receiving
play like this:
first turn:
one touches,
the other feels
the timer goes off
the other one touches,
the other feels
second turn:
no words of wishing anything different in the first round,
but before each touching turn,
the receiver is to ask:
here is how I'd like to be touched ( firm, soft, tight, gentle, fast, slow, big movements, little movements) and here is where I'd like it to be concentrated
the toucher can honor that, or not
it seems kind of silly not to,
but really, a request has to be really open
if it's truly a request
after,
just a thank you,
no evaluation
and then swap around
third turn:
make a request before you receive, and for sure make in a different request,
different place
different modes of speed, pressure, length
And then
as many turns as you want,
keep going back and forth,
and each time ask for a new place
and a new set of operating procedures
....
we get into such ruts
in sex
and
in life
and we ask so rarely for what we want
and we are so worried that if we finally get on a good grove,
going anywhere else will blow the whole scene apart
touch is talking
receiving touch is listening
have the final turn,
if you wish,
no requests,
but just let the toucher be trying to tell the receiver
something
let the communication be quite
and skin level
see what happens
feel what happens
don't talk for awhile after this,
so if this is to be combined with a talking session before dinner,
do the talking session first
good
As we meander through these essays,
these daily chapters unfolding,
we will explore this one:
truth as the best foreplay
and sometimes
touch is the way to access that truth
and sometimes touch is the only
way
we can really remember how remarkable
connection is
one human
to another
and so today's suggestion is
to have
a ten minute naked make out first
some days talk before the sex
and some days have the sex before the talk
always have both
and this is the touch/ sex practice I recommend most
the ten minute
naked make out
it's two way
it gives a lot of your body a chance
to connect with
feel
move with
caress
be caressed by
the other body
let's play it this way:
mindfulness
is the undercurrent
how much awareness can you have
as you kiss
and touch
and caress
and get caress
and let the legs play
and here's the catch:
set a timer
when it's over,
stop
thank each other
get out of the bed
get dressed
go talk
talk sitting up
talk in your clothes
talk in another room
maybe hold hands while you talk
touch is good
there are many subtleties to this practice
but for now
naked
timer
stay present
stop when the ten minutes is up
you can do it again at the end of the day
with no timer and the falling into more sex that
we are so used to,
and
and
and
this is sex before dinner
this is a nourishment
that you are going to give yourselves every day
don't make it such a big deal
that you don't want to
keep it going
keep it up
keep it kissing along
day after
day
after
day
....
you begin to get the idea.
this might be very good for your relationship,
right?
cheers
Chris
Love and Sex Before Dinner.
Before.
Let's say you are going to budget 30 minutes, BEFORE DINNER, before chores, before bugging the kids about homework, before turning on the TV, the internet, the smart or dumb phone, yes,
praise the Lord
praise the Life, this one life you have,
praise your partner, no matter how good or bad things are going,
praise this chance
to play
to play
at two of the most important aspects of being human.
one: being present
two: love
Love and sex, sex and love, touch and talk.
Both in the now.
Love. Nourishing love before you nourish your bodies.
Finding love
Cultivating love
Resurrecting love
Shoring up love
Rediscovering love
Falling in love
Re-falling in love
Again
You noticed, perhaps, quite a few re- actions. REdiscovery, REsurrecting, RE-falling.
We could add more
REsearching your love
REviewing love
RE-exploring your love
RE-NEWING your love
RE-NEWING
RE-NEWING
I seem to have said that three times. Did you notice?
And, I'll say this, over and over, to remind myself as much as you... the new happens only in the now.
The new happens, only, in the now.
So, we could say,
RE-NOWING love'
RE-NOWING your love.
Okay,
but to dinner and before dinner.
And this blog, and this whole process, which I hope to be a worldwide movement in the next ten years, was tempted to be called,
SEX BEFORE DINNER
Because at the real "end of the day", after TV or calls, or too much to do, or food, or too much food, or all the wonders and hassles of kids, or too much dozing off to sleep reading, or getting engrossed reading,
as THAT end of the day,
the real end of the day, not just the cliché
we are often/ usually too "tired" for sex.
Maybe a good night peck.
Maybe not.
Alas
Alas
Alas.
A waste of the conjugal bed, and the idea of marriage, and the joys of the flesh.
And much more.
Touch can bring us into the now.
And, this blog, the movement is NOT just Sex Before Dinner.
There are enough people who mistake sex for intimacy, and use it to wash all their loneliness under the rug.
So the blog, the website ( coming soon), the movement is about this:
Love and Sex Before Dinner.
And so, "How was your Day?" becomes not just a throwaway question, as in, you complain and little and I won't listen, because really, I want to complain and have you listen.
"How was your Day?" becomes a chance to practice Love Before Dinner.
A simple version of love.
And missed, often missed, rarely taken advantage of.
Here, it's an 18 minute thing.
And then 10 minutes of making out.
That's half an hour before dinner.
Kids, worries, hurries, got somewhere to go?
We'll deal with that , or you deal with that, but that's the buy in price.
If you want change, you have to change something.
This half hour will change at least three ( more likely 5 or more) things.
One: You will be committing to present centered time together.
Two: You will be taking equal turns listening.
Three: There will be kissing involved after the Love.
And what has Love got to do with it?
Everything in this movement I'm wishing and working for.
Sex without love,
as is love without sex,
nah,
that life isn't worth living.
So, here's the nuts and bolts,
and we'll go over this again and again.
18 minutes.
a timer ( iPhone has one)
sit across from each other
One person asks, "How was your day?"
The other answers for three minutes by the timer.
The listener listens.
Does not interrupt.
Doesn't grimace or otherwise nonverbally comment.
Stays present to breathing.
As much as possible let's go quickly of "thoughts" he or she wants to say in return.
Follows their breathing.
Listens.
The timer rings.
Reverse. "How was your day?"
Three minutes the other way.
Later we'll go over the present centered suggestions for the talker.
For now, love and listening are close enough, so this will get the REnewal headed quickly and clearly.
That's six minutes.
Now, without any "how was your day?" to lead it off, each take two more turns talking while your partner listens deeply and in the present.
Look each other in the eye.
Smile if you feel it.
Notice your breathing and their breathing.
There's more.
A lot more.
Talking in the present is one of life's most challenging and love's most rewarding activities.
And then, that's about twenty minutes.
Go in the bedroom.
Put the kid in front of a video.
If it's a baby, bring it into the bed.
If they are older kids, just tell them, we are going to go make out for ten minutes.
Go in the bedroom.
Make out.
....
That's your start.
It isn't everything.
And it'll make a big difference.
Oh,yeah.
Every day.
Not just hit and miss..
