Deep listening, how to save your marriage

This is for when you really want to get to
the juice of the two of you

Give yourself about 40 minutes
get the timer

take 5 minute turns, and as the talking progresses
go up to 6 and 7 minutes

take your time
really

talker:
go slow

say the truth:
I don't know what to say
I want to impress you

this is what I heard you say
this is what I feel you feeling
this is what I guess you want
this is what I want

this is how I feel in my body when I talk
this is what this reminds me of

I wish you could see this about me

And any
any
anything that comes up


Listener:
don't talk

eye contact
follow your breathing and the talker's
feel your heart
feel into their feelings

listen for what they are trying to say

notice your defenses,
notice what you want to jump in with

shut up
inside

don't prepare what to say

don't work on remembering what they said

just listen,
look in the eyes
hear the tone
hear their heart
hear their body
hear their life

listen


when the timer goes off
rest a little
both in silence
before the other talks

talk about what you feel in the present
talk about what you felt in your body when the other was talking
talk about what you feel in your body when you say "hard" things to say

admit this a lot:
"This is hard to say, and...."
then say it

listener:
be honored when your partner says hard stuff to say
that means they trust you

hear why it's hard
hear their courage

listen

listen

listen
.....

good

Two people, going present, then asking.....

Two people sit together

they agree to be present for the whole twenty minutes they
are going to talk

this isn't a timer discussion,
and
there is a commitment to wait, a nice long time
while listening to the other,
in case they have a little more to say

And you
are going to
sit

and be present

and wait for a question

a question that is important,

or a question that is fueled with curiosity

or a question
that is waiting in the room for one of you to discover
and
admit

admit to the room
admit to yourselves that it wants to be asked
"wants" to be asked

and as you wait,
be present
to yourself
in gravity
and
yourself in air,
breathing

be present to the other person
especially their eyes and their smile,
or not yet smile

( sooner or later, if you are telling the truth
and asking the truth
and
listening

a smile will come)

pay attention to the heart that is beating
inside your chest

and then ask your important question

always this way:

both of you are going to answer it.


So you don't ask:

"Do you love me?"

You ask, "How is your love for me going? What's easy about it, and what's hard?"

And then you both have to answer.

Slowly.

Searching.

Fumbling.

Admitting the other into your inner world

Admitting you don't know it all



And, as set up above:

Wait a long time, for them to find one or two or three more
aspects they might want to avoid in a certain way

Wait a long time in the silence when they are really done.

don't start till you've gotten quiet and heard what they had to say.

Then give your answer.


And,
if you want,
after that, what you can do, is take turns saying,
"What I got about you from what I heard you say, was..."

Or, you could put that before the second person answers the question.

It's not important.

Sharing what's deep is.

and

Whoever came up with the first question, the other person comes up with the next one.

Complaining as "love making"

Complaining as "love making"

That's a trick title

and not really
it's not really a trick,
because without alchemy,
life is prison,
is hell:

the old way of complaining 
is hell
is prison
and never turns into Love making, except make up sex,
which isn't love,
it's froth

but,here,
let's discover some magic

( why else be in a relationship?)

we just need to turn the world on its head

and

that's what we always need to do

if we are to be 

awake

and 

happy

and

effective

and what other kind of life would you want to lead?

so:

you got a complaint

we have this ongoing series:

Love and Sex before dinner
 which has
10 minutes of some sort of touch connection
and 18 minutes of back and forth communication,
3  non interrupted minutes per turn, 3 turns each

so,
you have a complaint,
and it's your turn to talk....

ta da

you have three minutes to tell it to your sweetheart

here's some pointers:

be present and remember:

this is the person you love

remember:

what you think they are doing wrong,

you are too

so

try to say how you do it, too

when you say how they do it
( you don't listen, I don't listen; you get angry, I get angry at your getting angry; you take me for granted, I take you for granted..... search, it doesn't have to be an equal amount)

remember , three:

beneath all complaints is a desire

which means,
beneath all complaints could be a request

suggestion
(just in case you want to "make" love)
make the request

so:

I feel so punk when you are too busy for me

Ah, I love you

Ah, there are times when I get too busy for you

Ah, I'd like to make sure we spend more time together..
Can we talk later about some extra times we can spend together?

Now....

this half hour before dinner, Love and Sex before dinner

is

the MINIMUM

to have sweetness

how can you get more out of it?

do it more

but only for the love and fun

of it

and the joy of waking up as a partnership in enlightenment

Talking about Talk

We are kinda crazy
us humans

we love to talk
we love to connect

and then
when it doesn't happen

we stop talking to the one
we want to talk to
because we can't talk
as well
or as easy
or as magically
or as honestly
or as being present

as we wish

and hey

you've got this game as part of

Love and Sex Before Dinner

the game:
talk for 18 minutes

each with 3 turns of 3 minutes

each practicing listening
from now
from no words/ replies in the head
from being present to our bodies

this is good stuff

....
two days ago, I suggested using this golden
opportunity
of listening

to
talk about sex

today I suggest
using this golden
opportunity
of listening

to talk about talk


what are you having a hard time saying?

when are you present and not present?

what are your requests for what you'd like to hear more about?

what are your requests for how your talking go

not only now,
in this magical zone

but all day?

and more,

you can even do that fun
game
of talking
in the
moment

about what your
experience

RIGHT NOW

is of talking

RIGHT NOW


it's pretty cool


it's enlightenment in action, actually

which is what relationships could ( ? should)
be about


cheers
chris

touch without climax, come together, not to come, but to..... make love

The ten minutes sex before dinner
as much as possible
should never end in climax

that's why the ten minute
naked make out
is so valuable

both are giving
both are getting

it's not genitally predominant

it's oral

it's tactile

go do it

Talk, talk about sex, listen, ask questions, learn

okay
admit it

you don't talk about sex

you wish about it
you might complaint about it
or whine about it

and so
what?

no one's perfect
( remember the end of Some Like it Hot)


and
let's have this be one of the talk games:

as you remember
perhaps,

as part of love and sex before dinner
you are spending a grueling 18 minutes a day
ACTUALLY TALKING TO &
LISTENING TO
YOUR PARTNER

you talk 3 minutes, they listen,
in the present,
no interrupting

they talk for 3 minutes,
you listen
in the present,
no interrupting,
and as
much as possible, no words in your head (aka "thinking") about
how you are going to respond

back and forth,
3 whole turns each
18 minutes

it seems so piddling

and most partners talk less than this
in a week
except plans,
day recitals,
grumbles about work,
blah blah

so
here's today:

in your talk:

tell what you like about your sex
with your partner

and
talk about what more, or different
that you'd like

and respond
(without thinking about it while
they are talking)
to whatever they say to you

and even,
curiosity being a component of love
and the now,
ask some questions in
your turn

enjoy

chris

Love, talk, mind reading..... .listen to what the inner other is saying..

Once upon a time
we loved
loved loved
to discover
what the other person was like

how they were like us
how they were different

and then.


blah blah

you know the story:
we get ourselves in a box
and we put other people in a box
and then
oh, shit

we have two boxes talking
to each other

so,
let's have some fun in tonight's talking game


watch this

the first person that talks,
just go for two minutes

and the other listens, present and no interruption

and here's the catch.


the talker, tells what's going on in them
at the deepest possible level

but they tell it in gibberish


Then the listener
takes their turn guessing what the other person had to say

and then they tell whatever they want to say,
in gibberish


Then:'
the first person talks again,
in gibberish,

they can talk about how well the other guessed
or
what the other person missed,
and this is all told in gibberish

and back to the second:

and here we go,
the second
shares their responses
to what the guess was,
or what their reaction was,
or what more they want to say:


and it's all in gibberish


and go back and forth
and then it's over

and then have a ten minute
naked make out

and when are you going to figure out:

if you "got it right?"

I don't know.

I'm inventing this as I go

so,
you invent this

and there's the rest of the day:

just talk gibberish,
guess,
and give feedback

but in this Love section of the
Love and Sex before dinner,
no verbal shareback of the accuracy or not
of the guessing intuition about your gibberish

is this fun?

you tell me,

cheers
chris

touch, slow, turns, requests, listening

Anything in life can be improved
by
being present

many a disaster can be forestalled or
avoided
by being present

many/ all messes can be cleared up
by slowing down
and
becoming present

today,
we're back to the touching before dinner

ten minutes of making out
or
some
sort of sex

we'll let the sex be up in the air
for awhile

while you practice slowing down
and taking turns

taking turns,
almost like the communication

well,
exactly like the communication
but without any words

you might want to spend more than ten minutes with this

get your trusty timer

one of you lie down
and close your eyes

the other is to touch you
slowly
not in the genitals,
and yes
anywhere else
and everywhere else in your body

for the first day,
don't make any requests if you are the receiver while you are receiving

play like this:

first turn:

one touches,
the other feels

the timer goes off

the other one touches,
the other feels

second turn:

no words of wishing anything different in the first round,
but before each touching turn,
the receiver is to ask:

here is how I'd like to be touched ( firm, soft, tight, gentle, fast, slow, big movements, little movements) and here is where I'd like it to be concentrated

the toucher can honor that, or not

it seems kind of silly not to,
but really, a request has to be really open
if it's truly a request

after,
just a thank you,
no evaluation

and then swap around


third turn:
make a request before you receive, and for sure make in a different request,
different place
different modes of speed, pressure, length

And then
as many turns as you want,
keep going back and forth,

and each time ask for a new place
and a new set of operating procedures

....
we get into such ruts
in sex
and
in life

and we ask so rarely for what we want

and we are so worried that if we finally get on a good grove,
going anywhere else will blow the whole scene apart

touch is talking
receiving touch is listening

have the final turn,
if you wish,
no requests,
but just let the toucher be trying to tell the receiver
something

let the communication be quite
and skin level

see what happens
feel what happens

don't talk for awhile after this,
so if this is to be combined with a talking session before dinner,
do the talking session first
good

How can I love you better, 3?

How can I love you better?

Ask.

How can I love you better?

Okay: is this what you mean?

If not, could you tell me again, please?

Can we be specific: what do you want me to do differently?

What are the actions you'll like me to take in reality?

Can I tell you why a few of those would be very hard for me?

Can we explore ways I can do everything you want and still take care of what's hard for me?

What do you really want?

What is the deeper level of what you really want?

What can we do right now to begin to shift things?

What can we do later tonight to shift things?

What are you feeling and sensing in the present?

What am I feeling and sensing in the present?

What can I do right now, to help you shift whatever you'd like to shift?

What else do you want to tell me?

How Can I love you more, 2

How can I love you more? Part 2
( these are, the improve love and sex posts, being published in
http://Loveandsexbeforedinner.blogspot.com)

One: take the time.

that's what the twenty minutes before dinner is about
and that's not to top limit. you can talk for hours if you want

Two:
be present

we get lost in our stories of
how another person should have been

in the present
we can at least report:
this is my sensation
this is my emotion
and
then go into the song and dance if we have to

Three:
Listen

that's what the timer game of you talk for three minutes
while your partner is non interrupting and preent
and they talk for three and you return the favot

and
here's a new twist:
Four:
Ask

Take 3 or 4 minute turns,
ask a question,
listen to the answer
do not comment on or respond to the answer
just
ask another question

ask questions and listen to answers until the timer runs out the time

Ask deeper and deeper questions:

How are you feeling?

Upset.

Would you please tell me about it?

I don't feel that we are working very well as a couple.

Could you tell me a couple of ways that seems true to you?

......

What would you like to see changed?

How are you feeling as you say this?

What would you like me to do differently?

How do you think you could change?

And so on...


Asking good questions takes awhile.

Love takes awhile.

We think ( imagine) that with the right chemistry and going out to dinner enough and drinking enough wine everything is going to be fine

If your robot matches theirs, it might

otherwise.
if you want love
you gots to put in your time

and asking questions
and listening
in the present

to the answers

and then asking a caring and curious next question

this is how we can "make" love

with our clothes on


good

How can I love you more?

Touch and Talk

Talk and Touch

that's the program
and it seems so simple
and
it's
not

so let's say in the talk you want
to help things
be better

the vibe, the feeling, the overtone of your relationship hasn't been so great lately
and you want it to change

so what to do

talk
talk with the timer

talk about what you want

talk about what you are afraid to say

talk about your guess as to what's going on in the other person

this is a lot

this is gold

this is why relationships

if taken as paths to awakening
are so
very
wonder
ful
and valuable



what you want vs. your complaint

what you are afraid to talk about, vs what's wrong with them

guessing what's going on in them, and make sure it's not an insulting guess

what are the fears and worries and prior woundings that are going on in them?

discover what you can
enjoy

talk as awakening practice

talk
real talk
intimate,
slow,
listening
taking turns,
being present
trying to be present
this kind of talk,
daily,
daily
every day, get it,

this talk,
 has this amazing possibility:

you can be a new you
this day,
each day as you speak and
attempt to stay present with your partner

and it has this amazing possibility, too

your partner can be a new her or him
this day,
each day,
as they speak and listen and
attempt to stay present

even if you two are just yaking about your day
if present,
you can notice,
and then say:

oh, as I'm talking about my boss, I realize
that I'm saying the same phrases I always say
and that I'm tightening my upper stomach and lower chest

and,
( pause to go in..
with 3 minutes to talk,
you don't have to rush it out
for fear/ realization that the other person
is going to jump in and squelch the silence)

A pause to go in...

ah, I'm definitely feeling defensive and angry at my boss

and now I look out
into the world in the present
and see you looking at me
and see you breathing
and then I remember my breathing
and I remember how much I love you
and now this is a whole different talking
than
just complaining about work
the way that
the robot in me

wants to do

...

ta da

so we can be new

we always can

and what if this were part of the love game
the relationship contract?

each day
before dinner

talk that tries to be present
touch that tries to be present

doesn't that sound like a nice present
to ourselves?

to you and your sweetie?

you and your sweetie,
with whom you are usually to busy to
connect
even though

and we all know this

connecting in
the present
and
in
love ( which may well be the same thing)

is what
life
is
all
about?



cheers,
chris

How to Talk in your daily back and forth, or one way anyway

Some of us know
and honor

many of us know
and forget...

FRIENDSHIP TAKES TIME

it's like a garden
it has to be tended

maybe once a week can keep a friendship going
anything less is.....

a reassurance
a high grade acquaintance
a mutual memory nudge

who knows

and in a relationship
if you live together
each day
is a time to talk

each day

and the game we are setting up
is mutual tak
equal time time
talk that is about what love requires:

attention
listening

and even, a freedom an opening
to exploring saying
what we aren't sure we
are able to say

or aren't sure
we even had to say

love is exploring

in touch

and in
talk

and this blog needs to be short
and that's fine

it has some pointers to help you
if you want
in the game of talking for three minutes

here's my suggestion:
for the first couple of weeks,
don't talk about "problems"

talk about:
one:
your ideas
two:
what you are aware of in the present
( sensations,
my thigh on the chair, my fingers on the keyboard, my shirt against my neck, my breathing in and out.


impressions:
I see the screen and the words appearing
I see the wall behind the computer
I see out the window, peripherally to my right
I hear the air conditioner
I hear the cars going by

being present
seems kinda boring

don't sweat it
it's such a nice vacation from being smart
and worrying
and the whole effort of not being present

and three:
what you like in life
what you enjoy

With a partner two and three can double up:
I see your eyes and really enjoy them

I see your breathing and feel my breathing and remember how much I like you

ps,
and a BIG ps:
don't use the three minutes to rag on, complain about, or otherwise trash the other

what you like right

and no back handed compliments:

I really like those rare rare moments when you aren't a jerk
NO.

I enjoy your smile

and
then
all the other things you like:

share your presence
share your gratitude

and if there's thoughts and incidents you want to talk
about,
go for it

but these three are the basis:

what you are pondering as meaningful in your life right now
what you are aware of in the present
what you like about being alive

and you each have 3 3 minute turns in this world of being honest
and deep
with your partner

who,
it seems to me,
is likely to become a better and
better
and
better

friend

good

"How was your Day?"

Love and Sex Before Dinner.
Before.

Let's say you are going to budget 30 minutes, BEFORE DINNER, before chores, before bugging the kids about homework, before turning on the TV, the internet, the smart or dumb phone, yes,
praise the Lord
praise the Life, this one life you have,
praise your partner, no matter how good or bad things are going,
praise this chance
to play

to play
at two of the most important aspects of being human.

one: being present
two: love

Love and sex, sex and love, touch and talk.
Both in the now.

Love. Nourishing love before you nourish your bodies.

Finding love
Cultivating love
Resurrecting love
Shoring up love
Rediscovering love
Falling in love
Re-falling in love

Again

You noticed, perhaps, quite a few re-  actions. REdiscovery, REsurrecting, RE-falling.

We could add more
REsearching your love
REviewing love
RE-exploring your love
RE-NEWING your love

RE-NEWING

RE-NEWING

I seem to have said that three times. Did you notice?

And, I'll say this, over and over, to remind myself as much as you... the new happens only in the now.

The new happens, only, in the now.

So, we could say,
RE-NOWING love'
RE-NOWING your love.

Okay,
but to dinner and before dinner.

And this blog, and this whole process, which I hope to be a worldwide movement in the next ten years, was tempted to be called,
SEX BEFORE DINNER

Because at the real "end of the day", after TV or calls, or too much to do, or food, or too much food, or all the wonders and hassles of kids, or too much dozing off to sleep reading, or getting engrossed reading,
as THAT end of the day,
the real end of the day, not just the cliché
we are often/ usually too "tired" for sex.

Maybe a good night peck.
Maybe not.

Alas
Alas
Alas.

A waste of the conjugal bed, and the idea of marriage, and the joys of the flesh.

And much more.

Touch can bring us into the now.

And, this blog, the movement is NOT just Sex Before Dinner.
There are enough people who mistake sex for intimacy, and use it to wash all their loneliness under the rug.

So the blog, the website ( coming soon), the movement is about this:

Love and Sex Before Dinner.

And so, "How was your Day?" becomes not just a throwaway question, as in, you complain and little and I won't listen, because really, I want to complain and have you listen.

"How was your Day?" becomes a chance to practice Love Before Dinner.

A simple version of love.
And missed, often missed, rarely taken advantage of.

Here, it's an 18 minute thing.
And then 10 minutes of making out.

That's half an hour before dinner.
Kids, worries, hurries, got somewhere to go?
We'll deal with that , or you deal with that, but that's the buy in price.

If you want change, you have to change something.

This half hour will change at least three ( more likely 5 or more) things.

One: You will be committing to present centered time together.
Two: You will be taking equal turns listening.
Three: There will be kissing involved after the Love.

And what has Love got to do with it?

Everything in this movement I'm wishing and working for.
Sex without love,
as is love without sex,
nah,
that life isn't worth living.

So, here's the nuts and bolts,
and we'll go over this again and again.

18 minutes.
a timer ( iPhone has one)
sit across from each other
One person asks, "How was your day?"
The other answers for three minutes by the timer.
The listener listens.
Does not interrupt.
Doesn't grimace or otherwise nonverbally comment.
Stays present to breathing.
As much as possible let's go quickly of "thoughts" he or she wants to say in return.
Follows their breathing.

Listens.

The timer rings.
Reverse. "How was your day?"
Three minutes the other way.

Later we'll go over the present centered suggestions for the talker.

For now, love and listening are close enough, so this will get the REnewal headed quickly and clearly.

That's six minutes.
Now, without any "how was your day?" to lead it off, each take two more turns talking while your partner listens deeply and in the present.

Look each other in the eye.
Smile if you feel it.
Notice your breathing and their breathing.

There's more.
A lot more.
Talking in the present is one of life's most challenging and love's most rewarding activities.

And then, that's about twenty minutes.
Go in the bedroom.
Put the kid in front of a video.
If it's a baby, bring it into the bed.
If they are older kids, just tell them, we are going to go make out for ten minutes.

Go in the bedroom.

Make out.

....
That's your start.
It isn't everything.

And it'll make a big difference.

Oh,yeah.
Every day.
Not just hit and miss..