a cashier at Whole Foods
was reading a book while waiting
for someone
me
to arrive
I thought is charming
and asked about the book
Hermetic philosophy
Lay a ;piece of wisdom on me, please
I asked
He thumbs through,
excited and a little on the spot
Here:
He says that everything is God
mumble, mumble
and that's plenty for me
I stick out my hand
"Let's shake."
He does.
"Hi, God. My name is God,
pleased to meet you."
It takes a moment,
then he lights up,
"Yeah that's it."
We chat a bit more and then when I leave
I say,
"So long , God."
and
he says,
"See ya, God."
A nice way to start the day, gentle
reader, aka
God.
And you, in your love and sex before dinner, how about that as a way to see your partner before each time you speak.
Or while you make love, make make out, make any of the other stuff, which I'm having a bit of trouble writing about. But it will come to me or not.
And meanwhile, you God, look upon your mate as God, and see what happens.
I set out on June 2 to write a blog a day
of great use in the world I am interesting in helping people create
the world of
Love and Sex Before Dinner
If you go to that blog, you'll find a daily offering,
but somehow I don't feel like it's a coherent whole
And that's good
Failure is the path to success
and Happiness is one of the few indicators
that we are on the right path
And so today,
I'm going to start over in a way,
and see what a post every day in July will be like,
with a strict alternation between love and sex
which really means,
talk and touch
except that it's not really going to be that,
because it's going to be about freedom and happiness
and so
the rotation is going to be
a
talk and touch day
a
talk day
and
a
touch day
I reference you to this much of the interview in Sun Magazine,
to which I'd highly highly recommend that you all subscribe:
INTERVIEW WITH BARBARA FREDERICKSON
ON LOVE AS DAILY SMALL AND REAL DOSES OF
POSITIVE CONNECTION
In that interview this is revealed from Frederickson's research:
“a lack of positivity resonance is, in fact, more damaging to your health than smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol excessively, or being obese.”
this is good news
IF we have positivity resonance in our lives
Which means:
small moments of pleasurable connection with another person,
in person
face to face
( not necessarily bodily pleasure, but more like a happy wish to smile and enjoyment of another's company)
And touch helps this.
Not sexual touch today,
just touch touch
And today's game is this:
in the framework of talking 3 minutes at a time,
with a timer
and not interrupting when the other is talking
and being present to your breathing and
to the reality
that
you are going to die
and
this other person is going to die
pay attention to yourself and them
and
your breathing and their breathing
and
then you talk for 3 minutes
each person has 3 turns
18 minutes
a couple that can do this can
thrive
a couple that doesn't
ah,
it won't be as wonderful
and
may well be a mess
and touch?
hold hands
while doing this
that's all
and....
do this every day
for ten days
comment,
or email
how this went
email to the right
cheers,
chrsi
slow down
connect deeply
wake up
discover love
awake you don't have to rush
you talk
and then your partner talks
the goal
be present while you talk
be present while you listen
then
ten minutes of sex
ten minutes in which
not to hurry
not to have any climax
just to get touching
and the juices flowing
make out:
naked
lots of touch
cock sucking,
slow,
no effort to climax
guy: relax,
let it be overwhelming
don't help
relax
woman:
go slow
sense it all
don't try to get any werhe
clitoris stroking
sit so you can see easily
lubricate
go slowly
stay on the clitoris
don't try to get her off
woman:
don't mov
don't help
just feel
just sense
both of you:
stay in the moment
ten minutes of touch
twenty minutes of talk
walk up
love without waking will always turn
to a mess
( messes aren't bad,
but this half hour is for waking up,
not making more of messes
plenty of them in life)
slow
slower
slowly
sense your body
sense your relationship to gravity
follow your body
wake up
good
okay
admit it
you don't talk about sex
you wish about it
you might complaint about it
or whine about it
and so
what?
no one's perfect
( remember the end of Some Like it Hot)
and
let's have this be one of the talk games:
as you remember
perhaps,
as part of love and sex before dinner
you are spending a grueling 18 minutes a day
ACTUALLY TALKING TO &
LISTENING TO
YOUR PARTNER
you talk 3 minutes, they listen,
in the present,
no interrupting
they talk for 3 minutes,
you listen
in the present,
no interrupting,
and as
much as possible, no words in your head (aka "thinking") about
how you are going to respond
back and forth,
3 whole turns each
18 minutes
it seems so piddling
and most partners talk less than this
in a week
except plans,
day recitals,
grumbles about work,
blah blah
so
here's today:
in your talk:
tell what you like about your sex
with your partner
and
talk about what more, or different
that you'd like
and respond
(without thinking about it while
they are talking)
to whatever they say to you
and even,
curiosity being a component of love
and the now,
ask some questions in
your turn
enjoy
chris
Once upon a time
we loved
loved loved
to discover
what the other person was like
how they were like us
how they were different
and then.
blah blah
you know the story:
we get ourselves in a box
and we put other people in a box
and then
oh, shit
we have two boxes talking
to each other
so,
let's have some fun in tonight's talking game
watch this
the first person that talks,
just go for two minutes
and the other listens, present and no interruption
and here's the catch.
the talker, tells what's going on in them
at the deepest possible level
but they tell it in gibberish
Then the listener
takes their turn guessing what the other person had to say
and then they tell whatever they want to say,
in gibberish
Then:'
the first person talks again,
in gibberish,
they can talk about how well the other guessed
or
what the other person missed,
and this is all told in gibberish
and back to the second:
and here we go,
the second
shares their responses
to what the guess was,
or what their reaction was,
or what more they want to say:
and it's all in gibberish
and go back and forth
and then it's over
and then have a ten minute
naked make out
and when are you going to figure out:
if you "got it right?"
I don't know.
I'm inventing this as I go
so,
you invent this
and there's the rest of the day:
just talk gibberish,
guess,
and give feedback
but in this Love section of the
Love and Sex before dinner,
no verbal shareback of the accuracy or not
of the guessing intuition about your gibberish
is this fun?
you tell me,
cheers
chris
Touch and Talk
Talk and Touch
that's the program
and it seems so simple
and
it's
not
so let's say in the talk you want
to help things
be better
the vibe, the feeling, the overtone of your relationship hasn't been so great lately
and you want it to change
so what to do
talk
talk with the timer
talk about what you want
talk about what you are afraid to say
talk about your guess as to what's going on in the other person
this is a lot
this is gold
this is why relationships
if taken as paths to awakening
are so
very
wonder
ful
and valuable
what you want vs. your complaint
what you are afraid to talk about, vs what's wrong with them
guessing what's going on in them, and make sure it's not an insulting guess
what are the fears and worries and prior woundings that are going on in them?
discover what you can
enjoy
Two people get together
they are lonely
or
they are open
or
they are lucky
and, anyway,
they decide to open up to the charm
of a new being
someone who is different than them
if they are unlucky
they get off to a bang sexually
( and I won't go into that until ten or twenty
chapters down the line)
but let's say this:
touch is crucial
they need to hold hands
they
need to kiss
and the important thing is
....
if they are lucky,
they wake up to the miracle
the miracle
the miracle
I am alive
in this moment
and they share that with the other
person
and the other person:
yes, I am alive in this moment
he: I am alive in this moment
I am excited and awake
to being here with you
she: I am alive in this moment
I can feel my life
and can feel us sharing this
moment
and so on
....
time passes
they come together
they have good days,
whoopie
they have stressful days,
and here's the rub
in the stress they can
be either mindful,
which is to say:
aware of the miracle
I am alive
and I am feeling stress
and I want to lash out
but what I am really feeling is..
sad about ..
afraid about...
worried about...
incompetent about...
mindful
and we can be free to explore what's bothering us
mindless
we have to default
to whatever our programing is
which is usually what
Ma
and
Pa
did when they were under stress
which usually looked like
blame
or avoidance
or
manipulation
or
whatever
who cares,
that's why so many therapists stay so busy
bad Ma and Pa training
and
you can therapize forever
and
have all the insight in the world
and if you aren't present
to yourself
and your partner
when the stress comes on
you are going to be mindless
which means
Ma
and Pa
stuff
and it's not any more complicated than that
and it's the whole world
of difference
freedom in mindfulness
slavery to conditioned/ robot responses
in mindlessness
this sounds kind or sermonesque
sorry,
that's my father's righteous robot
and
hey,
it can be a game,
the let me catch my robot and
admit it game
and then,
fingers touching the keyboard,
birds singing and cooing out the window
breath in and out
and I'm back
home
to now
how about
YOU?
cheers
Chris
As we meander through these essays,
these daily chapters unfolding,
we will explore this one:
truth as the best foreplay
and sometimes
touch is the way to access that truth
and sometimes touch is the only
way
we can really remember how remarkable
connection is
one human
to another
and so today's suggestion is
to have
a ten minute naked make out first
some days talk before the sex
and some days have the sex before the talk
always have both
and this is the touch/ sex practice I recommend most
the ten minute
naked make out
it's two way
it gives a lot of your body a chance
to connect with
feel
move with
caress
be caressed by
the other body
let's play it this way:
mindfulness
is the undercurrent
how much awareness can you have
as you kiss
and touch
and caress
and get caress
and let the legs play
and here's the catch:
set a timer
when it's over,
stop
thank each other
get out of the bed
get dressed
go talk
talk sitting up
talk in your clothes
talk in another room
maybe hold hands while you talk
touch is good
there are many subtleties to this practice
but for now
naked
timer
stay present
stop when the ten minutes is up
you can do it again at the end of the day
with no timer and the falling into more sex that
we are so used to,
and
and
and
this is sex before dinner
this is a nourishment
that you are going to give yourselves every day
don't make it such a big deal
that you don't want to
keep it going
keep it up
keep it kissing along
day after
day
after
day
....
you begin to get the idea.
this might be very good for your relationship,
right?
cheers
Chris
Some of us know
and honor
many of us know
and forget...
FRIENDSHIP TAKES TIME
it's like a garden
it has to be tended
maybe once a week can keep a friendship going
anything less is.....
a reassurance
a high grade acquaintance
a mutual memory nudge
who knows
and in a relationship
if you live together
each day
is a time to talk
each day
and the game we are setting up
is mutual tak
equal time time
talk that is about what love requires:
attention
listening
and even, a freedom an opening
to exploring saying
what we aren't sure we
are able to say
or aren't sure
we even had to say
love is exploring
in touch
and in
talk
and this blog needs to be short
and that's fine
it has some pointers to help you
if you want
in the game of talking for three minutes
here's my suggestion:
for the first couple of weeks,
don't talk about "problems"
talk about:
one:
your ideas
two:
what you are aware of in the present
( sensations,
my thigh on the chair, my fingers on the keyboard, my shirt against my neck, my breathing in and out.
impressions:
I see the screen and the words appearing
I see the wall behind the computer
I see out the window, peripherally to my right
I hear the air conditioner
I hear the cars going by
being present
seems kinda boring
don't sweat it
it's such a nice vacation from being smart
and worrying
and the whole effort of not being present
and three:
what you like in life
what you enjoy
With a partner two and three can double up:
I see your eyes and really enjoy them
I see your breathing and feel my breathing and remember how much I like you
ps,
and a BIG ps:
don't use the three minutes to rag on, complain about, or otherwise trash the other
what you like right
and no back handed compliments:
I really like those rare rare moments when you aren't a jerk
NO.
I enjoy your smile
and
then
all the other things you like:
share your presence
share your gratitude
and if there's thoughts and incidents you want to talk
about,
go for it
but these three are the basis:
what you are pondering as meaningful in your life right now
what you are aware of in the present
what you like about being alive
and you each have 3 3 minute turns in this world of being honest
and deep
with your partner
who,
it seems to me,
is likely to become a better and
better
and
better
friend
good
