Complaining as "love making"

Complaining as "love making"

That's a trick title

and not really
it's not really a trick,
because without alchemy,
life is prison,
is hell:

the old way of complaining 
is hell
is prison
and never turns into Love making, except make up sex,
which isn't love,
it's froth

but,here,
let's discover some magic

( why else be in a relationship?)

we just need to turn the world on its head

and

that's what we always need to do

if we are to be 

awake

and 

happy

and

effective

and what other kind of life would you want to lead?

so:

you got a complaint

we have this ongoing series:

Love and Sex before dinner
 which has
10 minutes of some sort of touch connection
and 18 minutes of back and forth communication,
3  non interrupted minutes per turn, 3 turns each

so,
you have a complaint,
and it's your turn to talk....

ta da

you have three minutes to tell it to your sweetheart

here's some pointers:

be present and remember:

this is the person you love

remember:

what you think they are doing wrong,

you are too

so

try to say how you do it, too

when you say how they do it
( you don't listen, I don't listen; you get angry, I get angry at your getting angry; you take me for granted, I take you for granted..... search, it doesn't have to be an equal amount)

remember , three:

beneath all complaints is a desire

which means,
beneath all complaints could be a request

suggestion
(just in case you want to "make" love)
make the request

so:

I feel so punk when you are too busy for me

Ah, I love you

Ah, there are times when I get too busy for you

Ah, I'd like to make sure we spend more time together..
Can we talk later about some extra times we can spend together?

Now....

this half hour before dinner, Love and Sex before dinner

is

the MINIMUM

to have sweetness

how can you get more out of it?

do it more

but only for the love and fun

of it

and the joy of waking up as a partnership in enlightenment

Forgiveness

Forgiveness, before after and during dinner eat this food and you will have eternal life

I'm having a delightful interaction with an occasionally cranky person
whom I adore

who is in the throes of
"Can I forgive?"

in that old awful way,
as if forgiveness is wearing a hair shirt,
or swallowing toxic waste
or at the very least
sitting through a bad movie for hours and hours

ah,
and this sweet person was once a heavy duty Christian
and these poor folks
for reasons that are both sad and delightful
have often the hardest time forgiving

( and I did hear this in a church, by a straight ahead
boring believer:
"Not forgiving is like swallowing rat poison
and
hoping the other person will die."

Which is s beginning of the higher level of
forgiving,

but not the end)

And you,
gentle reader,
are
A. going to have to forgive me
for jumping around and packing
so many angles and concepts into a short
poem/ ramble / essay

B. Wake up
and really feel and think your way through
this,
since it's is perhaps the number one source
of human suffering,
this holding on to our woundedness

,,,,,,, Okay
forgiveness

let's just make this the starter ramble and posit three levels



One:
the forgiveness of the righteous,
the believers
the goody goodies

this is on the
holding one's nose
and saying
"Well, you are stinky,
but I will hold my nose,
and so-called forgive you for being
so stinky
because I am so much better than you
and it's so good for my image of
being so much better than you
to say the words,
'I forgive you,'
all the while letting you know
that I am vastly superior to you,
you bad, bad stinky inferior sinner whom I so graciously,
forgive,
so I can look good to myself, and those around me, and get
points in pretend heaven."


Two:
The sliding it off, half ass "acceptance."

Me here Chris Elms could go on some fun
rants about all this
"It's all good,"
Buddhist-ish
"acceptance"

which is better than the stinky cheese clothes pin nose
model,

but is
like
a disconnected feeling,
an

I'm indifferent,

I'm separate

I'm not going to let it get to me.


This has some of the very very true
selfish enlightenment of the above rat poison model

which knows,
sometimes with blinding clarity,
that

when you fight what is already over,
hell,
once you think it through,
you know you're always going to lose

so chill
accept

let it go,  man,
it's all good

(bleeek---- my comment)

and three:
third level forgiveness,

not just giving the other person a break,
though that's a superb start,
but giving them a delighted break
a congratulatory break

really?

delight?

really

this is crazy, this level,
and strange,
because we are so used to being slaves
that freedom feels creepy weird

but this is level three:

thanks and thankfulness
and gratitude for whatever "wrong"
was bestowed on you
by another segment of God

ah, God,
well, hell,
heaven

let's play with God as a burst apart being
and we are all pieces of Her, trying to get
back together,
and whatever "sin"
someone gifted you with,
was a piece of God, trying,
in however an awful, ignorant, or half assed way,
to reconnect with God
as you

So,
it's like this:
in this forgiveness,
you would have paid the bad, bad person
to do whatever they did

why?

you figure it out,
you wouldn't believe me if I told you

and you shouldn't believe me

it's your experience that is
A. your life
B. your nourishment for enlightenment


stay in this experience
and feel your heart's way through this
new world:
forgiveness as delight and you would have paid the
other person to
do
their bad bad "sin"

really,
this is some heavy lifting for the heart

and without it,
sadly,
life is misery

cheers,
chris

....
you do want to be enlightened, don't you?

"How was your Day?"

Love and Sex Before Dinner.
Before.

Let's say you are going to budget 30 minutes, BEFORE DINNER, before chores, before bugging the kids about homework, before turning on the TV, the internet, the smart or dumb phone, yes,
praise the Lord
praise the Life, this one life you have,
praise your partner, no matter how good or bad things are going,
praise this chance
to play

to play
at two of the most important aspects of being human.

one: being present
two: love

Love and sex, sex and love, touch and talk.
Both in the now.

Love. Nourishing love before you nourish your bodies.

Finding love
Cultivating love
Resurrecting love
Shoring up love
Rediscovering love
Falling in love
Re-falling in love

Again

You noticed, perhaps, quite a few re-  actions. REdiscovery, REsurrecting, RE-falling.

We could add more
REsearching your love
REviewing love
RE-exploring your love
RE-NEWING your love

RE-NEWING

RE-NEWING

I seem to have said that three times. Did you notice?

And, I'll say this, over and over, to remind myself as much as you... the new happens only in the now.

The new happens, only, in the now.

So, we could say,
RE-NOWING love'
RE-NOWING your love.

Okay,
but to dinner and before dinner.

And this blog, and this whole process, which I hope to be a worldwide movement in the next ten years, was tempted to be called,
SEX BEFORE DINNER

Because at the real "end of the day", after TV or calls, or too much to do, or food, or too much food, or all the wonders and hassles of kids, or too much dozing off to sleep reading, or getting engrossed reading,
as THAT end of the day,
the real end of the day, not just the cliché
we are often/ usually too "tired" for sex.

Maybe a good night peck.
Maybe not.

Alas
Alas
Alas.

A waste of the conjugal bed, and the idea of marriage, and the joys of the flesh.

And much more.

Touch can bring us into the now.

And, this blog, the movement is NOT just Sex Before Dinner.
There are enough people who mistake sex for intimacy, and use it to wash all their loneliness under the rug.

So the blog, the website ( coming soon), the movement is about this:

Love and Sex Before Dinner.

And so, "How was your Day?" becomes not just a throwaway question, as in, you complain and little and I won't listen, because really, I want to complain and have you listen.

"How was your Day?" becomes a chance to practice Love Before Dinner.

A simple version of love.
And missed, often missed, rarely taken advantage of.

Here, it's an 18 minute thing.
And then 10 minutes of making out.

That's half an hour before dinner.
Kids, worries, hurries, got somewhere to go?
We'll deal with that , or you deal with that, but that's the buy in price.

If you want change, you have to change something.

This half hour will change at least three ( more likely 5 or more) things.

One: You will be committing to present centered time together.
Two: You will be taking equal turns listening.
Three: There will be kissing involved after the Love.

And what has Love got to do with it?

Everything in this movement I'm wishing and working for.
Sex without love,
as is love without sex,
nah,
that life isn't worth living.

So, here's the nuts and bolts,
and we'll go over this again and again.

18 minutes.
a timer ( iPhone has one)
sit across from each other
One person asks, "How was your day?"
The other answers for three minutes by the timer.
The listener listens.
Does not interrupt.
Doesn't grimace or otherwise nonverbally comment.
Stays present to breathing.
As much as possible let's go quickly of "thoughts" he or she wants to say in return.
Follows their breathing.

Listens.

The timer rings.
Reverse. "How was your day?"
Three minutes the other way.

Later we'll go over the present centered suggestions for the talker.

For now, love and listening are close enough, so this will get the REnewal headed quickly and clearly.

That's six minutes.
Now, without any "how was your day?" to lead it off, each take two more turns talking while your partner listens deeply and in the present.

Look each other in the eye.
Smile if you feel it.
Notice your breathing and their breathing.

There's more.
A lot more.
Talking in the present is one of life's most challenging and love's most rewarding activities.

And then, that's about twenty minutes.
Go in the bedroom.
Put the kid in front of a video.
If it's a baby, bring it into the bed.
If they are older kids, just tell them, we are going to go make out for ten minutes.

Go in the bedroom.

Make out.

....
That's your start.
It isn't everything.

And it'll make a big difference.

Oh,yeah.
Every day.
Not just hit and miss..