Conditional Love, and Laughing at Ourselves

We can be serious about this
or
have a sense of humor

might as well laugh

at ourselves


admit it:

we do this:


I love you , soo, soo, much,
and
I'll love you even more if you........

that's a condition

that's a buy and sell deal

oh, well

we all do it

and the other side


I love you, but you are making it hard

and if you keep doing ......
I'm going to love you less,
or
take away my love
or
dislike you
or
hate you


notice what this really is:  BLACKMAIL

behave right,
and don't do ........

and then I won't pull out the possibilities of
loving less
taking away love
disliking
hating


go against my commandments, wishes, fears, demands,
call it what you will

but if you do ......

then wham
I'm going to do one of the four:
loving less
taking away love
disliking
hating

......
It's obvious,
but more part of the humor/ seriousness

that these reactions aren't exactly
calculated,
usually

they "just happen"

and the function is still the same:
blackmail

even worse, really,
because if "You can't help it,"
then your partner knows the hammer HAS
to fall if they misbehave

.....

this might appear to be a problem

and it is

and the work of Byron Katie is one
sterling way out of it

and

just ("just") waking up to it
and realizing our conditions,
can make a huge difference in beginning to set us free



good

Happiness

This is going to be another teaser blog

And the tease is a big one

And without it,

We are sunk in life


Here's the tease:


Sometimes we don't get what we want in life

Things don't go our way

Things go to shit

People seem annoying, or downright antagonistic


and here's the game

the big
game


How to like, enjoy and even LOVE it when that happens?


And I'm not going to give all the answer,

but only a few hints:


When we aren't mindful,
we aren't free

When other people aren't mindful,
they aren't free

Unfree people
do what their programming tells them to do


Many , many people
( maybe even wonderful you and I)

have two or more levels of programming

One,
the get along "pretty good/ pretty well"
when there is no stress

Two:
go into ?????
when their is stress


remember the awful/ awesome truth:

we are either mindful

or mindless

and

therefore,
( the logic is airtight,
and the emotional effects
are often ruinous for whole lives)

when we go to mindless under stress,

what is the program we fall back on?



ah,
that's a big hint
chew it slowly

Forgiveness

Forgiveness, before after and during dinner eat this food and you will have eternal life

I'm having a delightful interaction with an occasionally cranky person
whom I adore

who is in the throes of
"Can I forgive?"

in that old awful way,
as if forgiveness is wearing a hair shirt,
or swallowing toxic waste
or at the very least
sitting through a bad movie for hours and hours

ah,
and this sweet person was once a heavy duty Christian
and these poor folks
for reasons that are both sad and delightful
have often the hardest time forgiving

( and I did hear this in a church, by a straight ahead
boring believer:
"Not forgiving is like swallowing rat poison
and
hoping the other person will die."

Which is s beginning of the higher level of
forgiving,

but not the end)

And you,
gentle reader,
are
A. going to have to forgive me
for jumping around and packing
so many angles and concepts into a short
poem/ ramble / essay

B. Wake up
and really feel and think your way through
this,
since it's is perhaps the number one source
of human suffering,
this holding on to our woundedness

,,,,,,, Okay
forgiveness

let's just make this the starter ramble and posit three levels



One:
the forgiveness of the righteous,
the believers
the goody goodies

this is on the
holding one's nose
and saying
"Well, you are stinky,
but I will hold my nose,
and so-called forgive you for being
so stinky
because I am so much better than you
and it's so good for my image of
being so much better than you
to say the words,
'I forgive you,'
all the while letting you know
that I am vastly superior to you,
you bad, bad stinky inferior sinner whom I so graciously,
forgive,
so I can look good to myself, and those around me, and get
points in pretend heaven."


Two:
The sliding it off, half ass "acceptance."

Me here Chris Elms could go on some fun
rants about all this
"It's all good,"
Buddhist-ish
"acceptance"

which is better than the stinky cheese clothes pin nose
model,

but is
like
a disconnected feeling,
an

I'm indifferent,

I'm separate

I'm not going to let it get to me.


This has some of the very very true
selfish enlightenment of the above rat poison model

which knows,
sometimes with blinding clarity,
that

when you fight what is already over,
hell,
once you think it through,
you know you're always going to lose

so chill
accept

let it go,  man,
it's all good

(bleeek---- my comment)

and three:
third level forgiveness,

not just giving the other person a break,
though that's a superb start,
but giving them a delighted break
a congratulatory break

really?

delight?

really

this is crazy, this level,
and strange,
because we are so used to being slaves
that freedom feels creepy weird

but this is level three:

thanks and thankfulness
and gratitude for whatever "wrong"
was bestowed on you
by another segment of God

ah, God,
well, hell,
heaven

let's play with God as a burst apart being
and we are all pieces of Her, trying to get
back together,
and whatever "sin"
someone gifted you with,
was a piece of God, trying,
in however an awful, ignorant, or half assed way,
to reconnect with God
as you

So,
it's like this:
in this forgiveness,
you would have paid the bad, bad person
to do whatever they did

why?

you figure it out,
you wouldn't believe me if I told you

and you shouldn't believe me

it's your experience that is
A. your life
B. your nourishment for enlightenment


stay in this experience
and feel your heart's way through this
new world:
forgiveness as delight and you would have paid the
other person to
do
their bad bad "sin"

really,
this is some heavy lifting for the heart

and without it,
sadly,
life is misery

cheers,
chris

....
you do want to be enlightened, don't you?

Awakened relationship, #7 in Love and Sex Before Dinner

Two people get together

they are lonely
or
they are open
or
they are lucky

and, anyway,
they decide to open up to the charm
of a new being

someone who is different than them

if they are unlucky
they get off to a bang sexually
( and I won't go into that until ten or twenty
chapters down the line)

but let's say this:
touch is crucial

they need to hold hands
they
need to kiss

and the important thing is
....

if they are lucky,
they wake up to the miracle

the miracle

the miracle

I am alive
in this moment

and they share that with the other
person

and the other person:
yes, I am alive in this moment

he: I am alive in this moment
I am excited and awake
to being here with you

she: I am alive in this moment
I can feel my life
and can feel us sharing this
moment

and so on

....
time passes
they come together

they have good days,
whoopie

they have stressful days,
and here's the rub

in the stress they can
be either mindful,
which is to say:
aware of the miracle

I am alive
and I am feeling stress
and I want to lash out
but what I am really feeling is..
sad about ..
afraid about...
worried about...
incompetent about...

mindful
and we can be free to explore what's bothering us

mindless
we have to default
to whatever our programing is

which is usually what
Ma
and
Pa
did when they were under stress

which usually looked like
blame
or avoidance
or
manipulation
or
whatever

who cares,
that's why so many therapists stay so busy

bad Ma and Pa training

and
you can therapize forever
and
have all the insight in the world

and if you aren't present
to yourself
and your partner
when the stress comes on

you are going to be mindless

which means
Ma
and Pa
stuff

and it's not any more complicated than that

and it's the whole world
of difference

freedom in mindfulness

slavery to conditioned/ robot responses
in mindlessness

this sounds kind or sermonesque

sorry,
that's my father's righteous robot

and
hey,
it can be a game,

the let me catch my robot and
admit it game

and then,
fingers touching the keyboard,
birds singing and cooing out the window
breath in and out

and I'm back
home
to now

how about
YOU?

cheers
Chris